YOU'RE BREAKING MY HEART: PART 3

This post is a continuation of the previous post, so forgive me if I just dive right into it...

Ever since the Lord touched my heart about 12 years, I have been on a journey. A journey of being MADE, which is why the blog is called that. In those 12 years, I have had mountain top experiences and have faced valley lows. In all that time though, one thing was constant... the Lord's faithfulness, constant care, and love for me. The more I understand how much He has done for me when He took upon my sins, having all of my "baggage" placed on His sinless body so I didn't have to pay such a price, the more my heart looks to bridge others to His endless and powerful generosity.

Last post, I described how the Lord started to break my heart for the youth in foster care. When I say "breaking my heart", I mean giving His heart for them to me. It' not easy to see something so broken, that you really don't know what to do about, and commit to being a part of it's betterment. But when you have been given so much undeservedly, like God's continual blessings, love, and faithfulness, how can a heart not want to give out from that fountain of grace? But sometimes that happens... to the best of us. Sometimes those on the receiving end of God's grace can get stuck in a church culture that can make the heart mirky. Not mucky... just mirky:) I think my heart got stuck in "church stuff" where priorities shifted. I was seeing a lot of activity but my heart felt like I was missing something. I got confused of what His priorities even were, until God one day gave me His heart for kids I never knew about. I realize priorities are relative in the context of "calling". However, I know this... children who have been abandoned, who have been wounded, who have wounded themselves, and who have no one to show them the ways that lead to a healthy life or care for them ARE God's priority. If this were not so, Jesus wouldn't have come.

The Lord led me to a need last Christmas. A foster youth who spent her whole childhood in the system was now old enough to "age out" of the system and was on her own... in an empty apartment. An email had somehow gotten to me that she needed a heater because this empty apartment was cold in December. For days the thought of her in an empty apartment, after a parentless childhood, weighed on my heart till it broke. This heater led to an involvement with the foster care community that I never saw coming. The invisible children, kids I never knew about,  have now become visible. Now FEELING God's heart, KNOWING His grace and love, and SEEING where both His heart and love need to be directed led me to start The Storehouse. We serve the foster care community with free resources that range from providing basic needs for the kids in the system to furnishing the first homes of youth who "age out" of the system. We also provide educational/housing needs and ULTIMATELY HOMES for the kids who need caring families by partnering with the Department of Child and Family Services in the state. Simply, we are putting the scripture James 1:27 to action combined with our belief that there is more than enough supply for EVERY need in God's Storehouse. We have seen God provide in amazing ways already and He keeps expanding our reach in what we can provide. It's daunting because the needs are so great BUT HE IS TRULY AT WORK in demonstrating His faithfulness to these kids and families who need a tangible expression of His love and care.

Make no mistake, I do not believe "good works" get us closer to God. God's blessings and acceptance comes from nothing and no one other than Christ. You can't earn it. Only believing in what Christ has already done for us on the Cross gives us right standing with God. This "work" that I do is because of His great work in me. It is an honor to be a part of His plans and caring for those He puts in front of us. It's just an absolute honor and an absolute joy.

My prayer is that the love of Christ would become or continue to be a reality in our hearts. It is only from this reality where our greatest capacity to care comes forth.

Please turn your hearts to children who need care, homes, families, love. Contact me or your state's Department of Child and Family Services to see how you can care for the orphaned in your community.

 Kim Winston Bigler
FREEtheINSIDE

(This post is dedicated to those families who have already grabbed the rope to climb this mountain with us and to the kids who inspire every step.)

YOU'RE BREAKING MY HEART: PART 2

Action springs not from thought, but from a readiness for responsibility.

- Dietrich Bonhoeffer 

This post is a continuation of the previous post, so if you're wondering why I am just cutting to the chase, that's why.

So where were we? Oh yes...

3. We think it is SO about us. I am all for the Church helping folks grow strong in the Lord and in the truth of who they are in Him. However, human nature is a strong force. It seems that we can get stuck within our four walls, focused only on our problems, our wants, our programs, and our routines. With this short-sighted view of the Church's role in the Kingdom of God, we miss the bigger vision. While we are supposedly growing in Christ, the rest of the world on the "outside" is waiting to see the sons and daughters of God revealed in their new found strength. We all have hang-ups. We will ALWAYS be working them out along the way. BUT He is faithful to complete what He started in us. I promise one thing. He never designed us to live self-centered, reclusive, or apathetic lives... no matter what our hang-ups are.

Check Isaiah 58:4-14 out:

Is this the kind of fast I have chosen,
    only a day for people to humble themselves?
Is it only for bowing one’s head like a reed
    and for lying in sackcloth and ashes?
Is that what you call a fast,
    a day acceptable to the Lord?

“Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
    and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
    and break every yoke? 

Is it not to share your food with the hungry
    and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter —
when you see the naked, to clothe them,
    and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood? 

Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
    and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness will go before you,
    and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard. 

Then you will call, and the Lord will answer;
    you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.

“If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
    with the pointing finger and malicious talk, 

 and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
    and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
    and your night will become like the noonday. 

The Lord will guide you always;
    he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
    and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
    like a spring whose waters never fail.

Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins
    and will raise up the age-old foundations;
you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls,
    Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.

“If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath
    and from doing as you please on my holy day,
if you call the Sabbath a delight
    and the Lord’s holy day honorable,
and if you honor it by not going your own way
    and not doing as you please or speaking idle words, 

then you will find your joy in the Lord,
    and I will cause you to ride in triumph on the heights of the land
    and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob.”
For the mouth of the Lord has spoken.

A lot of benefits are promised here for God's people when they reach out beyond themselves. God's people get blessed and so do those who need His touch… a tangible one. Now that's a system that finally makes sense to me.   

I have seen every one of these benefits manifest in my own life. I can't be clear enough when I say that when the bible says it is truly more blessed to give than to receive... that's a fact. Especially when the giving is done with the right heart, not done with self-seeking motives. Only one simple motive will do... to love.

I was praying one day about what the Lord would have me focus on. Since Phoenix was now in school full-time and I felt to step out of all leadership within the church for a time, I now had... well, time. I was a bit anxious praying because I am not one to feel comfortable being still (which by the way is a requirement for hearing the Lord... clearly). I was struggling to just sit there and listen. I thought the Lord might hurry it up if I cried out. So I did. What drama. Anyway, I remember telling the Lord that I will go anywhere and do anything for Him if He would just make it clear. After telling God I would go care for millions of orphans with Heidi Bakker in Africa, all I heard in return was the garbage truck emptying all the trash cans on the street. Is that one of the most aggravating sounds on earth, or is it just me? 

Finally, that still small voice did answer. 

It came when I ditched the quiet time with God, since He wasn't responding fast enough to my inquiry, and went to work on my computer! GO FIGURE! I'm not joking. I was looking through my emails and I saw this random one about a girl needing a heater for her new apartment. She just aged-out of the foster care system. She obtained a new apartment but didn't have a heater, or much of anything really. At this time it was around Christmas, so it was cold. I remember thinking, why was I sent this email. Then I remember thinking, WHY was she given an apartment with no heat! THEN I remember thinking, WHY ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH DID AN EMAIL EVEN HAVE TO BE SENT OUT ABOUT THIS. HOW HARD IS IT TO GET A HEATER FOR 30 BUCKS AT WAL-MART! I was livid. I went into a train wreck of thoughts about how if the Church was doing it's job, this girl would not only have a heater, but a home filled with all she needed to live comfortably. Heck, if the Church was doing it's job, SHE WOULD HAVE PARENTS! 

As I grew mad, all of a sudden, my heart started breaking. What is this? My heart hurt. I started feeling for this girl. She had spent all her life in different homes, has a new start as an independent, and all she is left with at the end of all that loneliness, abuse, and rejection was an empty cold apartment. My heart cracked and it hurt. Now I know why it's easier to stay ignorant or distant from the needs of others. When you allow yourself to really "see" the reality of someone's desperate situation, it touches you. Deeply. All of a sudden that still small voice of God's came... "Can you do something practical Kim? Can you go get the heater for her?" I was seeking the Lord earlier that day about moving to Africa and mothering orphans and the Lord answered me with a practical request from my own backyard. I started to understand what He was trying to say, and there would be more heaters to buy. 

To be continued...

Kim Winston Bigler

FREEtheINSIDE

(This entry is dedicated to the young lady to whom I brought the heater to. I was hoping to change your life, but in turn, you changed mine. BTW, I am still hoping to change yours.)

YOU'RE BREAKING MY HEART: PART 1

Christianity is a faith that was meant to spread-but not through coercion. God's love was intended to be demonstrated, not dictated. Our charge is to both proclaim and embody the gospel so that others can see, hear, and feel God's love in tangible ways.
- Richard Stearns, "The Hole In The Gospel"


There have been 2 questions that have haunted me for the past 6 years:

1. What is church really suppose to be... and do?
2. What is a Christian really suppose to be... and do?

As I became jaded about the Church ( I am using the uppercase "C" to represent the church in general regardless of denomination) years ago, I started to ask these questions. Boy did it put me on a path of discovery that I never saw coming! The one thing I know for sure is this... If you ask the Lord hard pressed questions, He WILL give you the answers, in His way and His time. Some church folks get weird when you start questioning things, but actually this became the most beneficial thing I could have done as it related to my relationship with God and the church. He saw it fitting that these answers came by way of process for me. A process means waiting, and if you read this blog, you know how much I loath waiting:)

I am not going to go into the MANY ways the Lord has given me inches of these answers over the last 6 years of searching and researching. Some of these ways are described in earlier posts. I am however going to speak very frankly about certain answers that have changed how I view church and my relationship as a child of God...

America is the most evangelized nation in the world. We have churches on every corner it seems. Years ago I started to wonder why with SO MANY churches was there NOT MUCH transformation in the communities they reside in. With people who supposedly "knew" the most powerful and loving Being in the universe, why was there such a lack of evidence in their communities of this love and power. I heard about great faith, great love, and a great God... so where was the great changes that should accompany such greatness? It didn't measure up.

Without a shadow of a doubt I knew Jesus was real and powerful. I had experienced Him personally in a very dramatic way. NOBODY can tell me anything to derail me from the truth of who He is . Many have tried, and many fail. That's how important a personal encounter with Christ is (I can see how one would have to rely strictly on head knowledge and could doubt without a personal experience of His presence). I have also seen His real and powerful love change many lives over the years, so I knew He was powerful to change us in ways that we could NEVER on our own. So if He was all that He claimed to be, then it was the Church who was suspect.

Some folks may think that I am hard on the Church or I am just negative. This is far from the truth. It's because I love the Church and believe in it's existence that I am passionate about seeing it do what it is really suppose to do and be what it is really suppose to be. I am literally grieved when I see us play Church and not be the Church. The message of the gospel, the message about Jesus, is so life transforming that even if one church was "being" what Jesus meant for it to be, the evidence of that LIFE in it's surrounding community/ies would be completely undeniable. So what's the problem?

1. We don't really know how much we are loved by the Lord. We haven't really grasped the reality of it. It is too great for us to comprehend. We are so use to earning and obtaining in this life that we struggle to receive anything we haven't deserved or earned. This great LOVE WAS FREE... IS FREE. I have found when we truly receive that love, our faith will naturally and joyfully produce good works, the kind He made for us to do before the foundations of the world.

2. We have made it routine. Our hearts need to be connected to the message we claim to believe and to the person we claim to worship. It's only when the heart is connected that faith turns into action. Even our giving must be with a merry heart, a heart that is connected, for it really to mean anything... for it to be real worship... for faith to produce something that has substance. I have to pray everyday that the Lord continue to pull my heart close to His. It's not easy for a heart to stay present in worship or in relationship to Jesus in this life. We have SO many things competing for our hearts, it's tough. That's why I don't pretend to have the love, the passion, the fire for Him or His will at all times... when I don't. I pray EVERYDAY the Lord keep that love burning in me, so my "doings" are flowing from a sincere love for Him and others, and not from cold commitment or false obligation.

3. We have made it SO about us!

To be continued... I'll post more tomorrow. This particular post will probably be 2 or 3 parts.

Kim Winston Bigler
FREEtheINSIDE

(This post is dedicated to the foster children who have benefitted thus far from my "heart change" that occurred as a result of this 6 year process. Praise the Lord He didn't leave me feeling "ok" with the status quo. I was blind, but now I see.)



  

BOTOX TO BANDANNAS, AND EVERYONE IN BETWEEN... NEXT!

Romans 3:22-24
This righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to ALL who believe. There is NO DIFFERENCE between Jew and Gentile, for ALL HAVE SINNED AND FALLEN SHORT of the glory of God, and ALL ARE JUSTIFIED FREELY by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.

I had to go to the courthouse last week because I got a ticket and forgot to pay it (gasp). There was now a warrant out for my arrest (double gasp). I know. I am a heathen. The ONLY way out was to pay a bail amount, which was a RIDICULOUS amount. I know California is broke, but come on! Don't make me pay for the incompetence of those running this place. I vote for the mavericks, so don't be taking me down with the ship by sticking it to me for a minor mistake in society. I wasn't going a 100mph! I will move on before I break out the violin for myself:)

I enter the courthouse. I immediately get searched and scanned. My first real feelings of guilt for this ticket come over me while an officer pats me down. My minor mistake is now realized as breaking the law. Wow, maybe I am a heathen. Court workers were yelling at all of us, trying to bring order to a big herd confused of how to correct, and find mercy for, the bad things we have done. In line I was sandwiched in between a guy with a bandanna lowered over his eyes wearing a shirt that read "born on the streets", AND a Hollywood starlet dressed in denim and diamonds (or rhinestones) looking like she just came from a botox party. People started having conversations about why they were there. As I was respectfully listening to a guy talk about how a stupid *beep *beep cop pulled him over for having a what they thought was drugs in the back of his *beep *beep car, I was shouted at by a female clerk who was ready to deal with my pathetic soul... "NEXT!"

I started to make excuses to her like she was the judge. All of a sudden, a guy who looked like he'd been in the sun for a century started yelling and making threats to the clerk at the next window. The cops jumped on him like a burning fire. For fear of cops jumping on me next, I forget making excuses and just asked for mercy. I owned being a heathen, breaking the law, and now I just want to pay for what I have done. She coldly told me to pay the bail. Ugh. I can't pay that amount. It's too high for me. I was explaining this, putting on puppy-dog eyes. She looked completely annoyed. Finally, a miracle happened. She lowered it... a little. At least it was something. I paid the reduced bail and left wondering how the starlet, and my homie who was "born on the streets", made out.

All of us in that courthouse were so different in so many ways, YET we were all waiting in the same line because well, we broke the law. We were waiting to plead for the same thing... mercy. As much as we judge each other ALL THE TIME for ALL KINDS OF THINGS, we are ALL in the SAME line. No matter what we look like, what socio-economic background we are in, or even the level of seriousness our "mistakes" are, the bible says that we are all sinners. All of us. We have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. Whether we like to hear that or not is not even relevant, because that is a fact we will never be able to disprove based on opinion. However, it is also a fact that ALL our sins have been paid for by One who is more merciful than any clerk or court judge at the courthouse that heard our pleas for mercy that day. This Judge didn't just give us a little reduction in bail, He paid it Himself in full! Meaning, ANYONE who comes to him and just SIMPLY believes in this amazing truth and asks for forgiveness for those sins/shortcomings is COMPLETELY exonerated. Righteousness is then given in love and received by faith alone IN CHRIST. He is the One who is our court advocate and has paid in full the bail for us all. This promise isn't for just me, or my botox beauty, or my homie... it's for ALL.

NEXT!

Kim Winston Bigler
FREEtheINSIDE

(This entry is dedicated to my fellow lawbreakers who stood in line with me at the Chatsworth courthouse. His mercies are new each and every morning.)      

I'M A PHOENIX

PSALM 24:16
THE RIGHTEOUS FALLS SEVEN TIMES AND RISES AGAIN.

The word "righteous" really doesn't come to mind when thinking of adjectives to describe myself. Words like stubborn and goofy are a better fit. Yet the hardest falls of my life have all been followed by an amazingly strife-less rise. My good share of stumbles, fumbles, and outright humiliations in life somehow are ALWAYS redeemed in very strategic ways. Like a phoenix. When it looks like I am dead in the ashes of failure, my wings somehow rise, a wind lifts, and then I see a purposed destination where I had not intended to go... but it's good. Very good.

I did not make ANY resolutions for the new year because I realized that when it comes to bettering myself or making strides to fulfill a purpose, I don't know jack. Instead, I have decided to buckle my seatbelt and look straight ahead as this wind thrusts me forward and then listen very carefully to the pilot in charge of this ride.

When you trust the Lord, your failures make you stronger. Wiser. More resilient. How much wiser can a girl get? Ha.

Did you know that most successful entrepreneurs and pioneers are failures before their success came? (Abraham Lincoln being the most famous among them.) Do you know why? Because they weren't afraid to try things? Many folks never step out of their comfort zones. However, I can get a little too comfortable stepping out of my comfort zone in some things. That seatbelt I was strapping on for this year I mentioned earlier, it's a new thing for me. But I have learned that THAT seatbelt holding me in , is not holding me back. It's crucial for positioning and landing exactly where I need to without harm.

I have talked to MANY people with stories of supposed failure this year. Many of these folks aren't irresponsible, stupid, or rebels. On the contrary. They are hard working folks who just found out they didn't have the control they once thought, or that government wasn't the answer, or that "letting go and letting God" actually works. They are businessmen who realized family was the most important thing in life. They are students who realized doing your best doesn't mean perfection but trying with a good attitude. They are moms who realized playing with your kid in the mud is better time spent than keeping them out of it. They are ministers who realized ministry was more in the everyday living... that church programs would never make as big of an impact on this world than if every Christian would just make Jesus' command "to love" a LIFESTYLE, not event. (Ok, that one was my personal revelation.)

At times failures are wake-up calls. Thank God for them. We are realizing what is important in this life. We are realizing we don't have all the answers. We are realizing that a lot more dependency on the One who has complete control of everything is crucial. Whether you are an individual, business, or nation we need guidance when all else fails. We have looked for a perfect plan from imperfect people and a wake-up call is being sounded. We now need the Perfect One to pilot us out of this mess, these failures, and this apathy that has produced stress in our individual lives and more orphans, homeless, and debt among our societies.

But there is Hope. There is ALWAYS Hope awaiting us. This hope is a Living Hope who has the power to make those who have fallen rise again. Thank you Jesus that your love never fails, even when we do.

I'll leave you with some lyrics to a personal song favorite:

Phoenix Burn
by Alfa Red


I need love that will release me
Keep me honest, keep me happy
I need a peace with understanding
Trying to find a softer landing

I wanna know when I can change this
Or give it up and just embrace it
I need to find a way of letting it go
When everything falls apart

I've taken too much, given up
I am twisted, burning, breaking up
I need to find a way of letting it go
When everything falls apart

-------

Kim Winston Bigler
FREEtheINSIDE

(This entry is dedicated to those who have shared their stories of failure with me. You can resurrect because He did.)

THE RIGHT PERSON

Philippians 2:1-4

If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

A few weeks ago, I was in a ritzy shopping area returning something to a store. My car died in the parking lot. My first thought was, "thank the Lord I'm not in a shady neighborhood". Because of the line of service I am in, I usually am. My second thought was, "I'm gonna just pray it will start and get a break". Because of the line of service I am in, those breaks happen quite often:)

I prayed.

Nothing.

I prayed more enthusiastically (all you religious zealots out there can imagine, right?).

Still nothing.

(sigh)

Now I am having a talk with the Lord: "Really Lord? I'm gonna have to work at this one? I'm actually going to have to ASK SOMEONE FOR HELP?".

I hate asking for help. But at least I'm in a great, safe neighborhood to ask for help. Yep, this area (name withheld in order to avoid offending later) is beautiful where the rich live and the blue collar serve. Where most cars are Mercedes, Range Rovers, and other luxury vehicles. I'm not worried about guns being turned on me, or car jacking, or other things that happen on a daily basis in certain neighborhoods where I usually find myself.

So I get out of the car and wait to make eye contact with the "right person" who has the time, the heart, and the knowledge to juice up my battery.

I wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.

I try and make eye contact with men through their over-the-top eyewear/sunglasses. No connection. Why? Are they ignoring me? I think they are! Wow, for real? A girl has got her car hood up with a concerned look on her face and oil on her hands and clothes... IN CALABASAS (ok, I said it)... and NOBODY is noticing! Really??

Really.

While men are getting in their Ferraris that could easily juice up my little Jeep in 2 seconds, I am looking like a deer in headlights. Finally, I see a guy walking up to me. His name is Burt. Burt said he would help me. He's cheerful about it. Burt cleans the store windows. He is the first to acknowledge my need and offer help. He needs jumper cables though. He starts asking people if they have them. Several people say they don't. Yeah right, but moving onto the more positive part of the story:) Then Stan enters the scene. He has jumper cables. Stan works as a clerk for Rite Aid. He said he noticed we needed help. In a few minutes after the "right people" came to the rescue, I was in my car... safe and sound and driving to my next errand.

I serve the foster care community. I get resources to them because I saw them out on the sidewalk (figuratively speaking), with concerned looks on their faces, looking as I did by my car. I saw people passing them by as they tried to make "eye contact". They needed a jump-start like I did that day. After years of passing them by myself, I finally stopped and acknowledged their need. I finally became the right person with the time, the heart, and the knowledge. I haven't always been the "right person". I once lived for myself. Only concerned with my world, my life, and my problems. So much so that I didn't see humanity broken down on the side of the road. Thankfully, that has since changed.

The Burts and Stans of this world are created. They are. Most people I know who make themselves available to those broken down on the side of the road needing a hand have experienced needing a hand at some time in their lives themselves. Or it was modeled to them growing up. I can't imagine a world where the Burts and the Stans don't exit. That scares me. For anyone who doesn't believe that God is active in our lives, may I suggest He shows up on the scene in the hearts and hands of these people. I prayed and my engine didn't miraculously work. BUT I prayed and Burt showed up. So it is when a kid needs a home, or someone needs to eat, or someone needs a bed. The miracle is in those who show up.

I don't want to ignore. Pretend I don't see. Say I have nothing to give, when I do. I want to be THE RIGHT PERSON.

I'll leave you with a few lyrics from one of my favorite songs:

LAND OF CONFUSION
Phil Collins

There's too many men, too many people
Making too many problems
And there's not much love to go around
Can't you see this is a land of confusion?

This is the world we live in
And these are the hands we're given
Use them and let's start trying
To make it a place worth living in.

Kim Winston Bigler
FREEtheINSIDE

*I'm not dogging the rich by the way. I know many affluent folks who show up too:) It was just how my real life story played out.

(This entry is dedicated to Burt and Stan, and to the Burt and Stan's everywhere.)

Excuses, Excuses, and More Darn Excuses!

So some of you may have noticed I have been out of commission for awhile. I started the blog last summer, and after 14 posts, I fell off the face of the earth. Well, I have two reasons... or excuses. They go as follows:

1. I flaked because I am a perfectionist, so writing a SMALL blog gives me MASSIVE anxiety. Seriously.

2. I realized that writing a small blog takes away a lot of PRECIOUS mental energy that I need to expend on my young son, and husband.

OK, so here I am talking about my inner issues with anxiety AGAIN. I know. I find that this truth hurts my ego more than I would like to admit, so being "out of the closet" about it helps me cope. But I digress.

I just stopped writing and life got busy. As months past though, I realized that if I am not spilling out precious mental energy on writing, I am spilling it out on something. With my son at school for half the day now and my husband working like a dog, what is my excuse?

(Crickets chirping)...

Exactly.

What IS my excuse! I.AM.STALLING. Why? Trust me, my family gets more of my mental energy than they would like! Those of you who "know" me know what i am talking about. So I sought the Lord about what was going on here. Why this constant self-sabataging procrastination or flakiness?

I prayed.

I pondered.

I prayed some more.

Then FINALLY I came up with my answer that was later confirmed by a friend. This procrastination has a root of fear attached to it. It is something that has crippled me in the past. I have definitely found MAJOR freedom from it in the last 6 years of my life so why is this weight still tied around my neck. Fear of man is a seedy and often subtle thing that hinders people from being who they were created to be and doing what they were created to do. I have talked about this before. Yet, I had no idea a remnant of it was the culprit in holding myself back... AGAIN, but this time from writing. Even though I have had so much freedom from this bondage, it still managed to creep in so subtly in my procrastination to write. Procrastination doesn't have to be a sign of laziness by the way. I have come to understand it is rooted in fear as well.

I should know this by now. How long have I been counseling people with the same issues?! But I guess I still wanted to hold onto the "excuse".... so I wouldn't have to put myself out there.

To sum it up, the answer to my self-sabotaging procrastination is "DON'T GIVE A RIP!". I know that sounds soooo gritty. Well... I'm gritty (me not giving a rip right here, just so you know).

Many have asked me to blog. I felt to start one. So here we go again.

As I pray for all of you who read these things to receive some kind of word from God through them, please also pray that I continue slaying my own dragons in the process. Writing seems to be the Lord's "process of choice" right now to refine me. Let's do this together:)


Kim Winston Bigler
FREEtheINSIDE

(This entry is dedicated to Shane Jr., aka Shizl. Let's do this together.)

WHAT A LIE CAN DO...

I was channel-surfing one day and stopped on the Maury Show because I saw this guy's face looking really distressed. I wanted to change it immediately after realizing it was The Maury Show, because I don't like the fact they make their living off of making others look stupid. But hey... at least they find out what kids belong to who so there might be some responsibility taken. This man struck me because he looked really genuine, broken, and I sensed a humility about him that is rare to see on these types of shows.

He was there to find out if his 1 year old was his. He told the audience of how he was horrifically burned as a child and told all his life by doctors and family that he would NEVER be able to have kids. His distraught wife said she had never cheated on him or given him any reason to doubt her commitment to their marriage. BUT here they are on this degrading show spilling out their most private thoughts and hidden fears to the world. The man explained his reason for believing this beautiful little boy might belong to another man and how his devoted wife must have cheated on him. His reason was based solely on what the doctors and his family had told him all his life.... that he couldn't. have. kids.

Maury asked the man if he would leave his wife if indeed she cheated and the boy wasn't his. He said "I don't know".

Finally the moment of truth came. The boy WAS his! Overcome with emotion, he hugged his wife in relief. The staff brought out the boy to join them in the moving embrace.

Maury later asked the man AGAIN, "Why did you believe your wife cheated and your son wasn't yours?"

The man replied weeping,

"Because I didn't think I could make ANYTHING like my beautiful son... ANYTHING normal."

What a lie from the pit of hell. I wonder how much that lie had stolen from his life even before then. It almost stole the only thing he said he ever wanted... a family of his own to love and be loved in. That lie almost took THAT FAMILY, THAT HOPE, away from him.

What lies have we been told or have believed about ourselves that have cost us relationships, mental/emotional/spiritual/physical health, self-worth, and purpose. This man almost threw away his family because of a lie not to mention how this lie distorted his view of himself. What power this lie had over him that they would end up on such a show with his wife in question on national tv.

What places have we found ourselves in, what decisions have we made, what people have we given ourselves to, what dreams have we thrown away, what pills have we taken or pits we've fallen into because we have lived out of the lies we have believed.

I felt myself empathizing with that man. Believing lies has cost me much in my life...

BUT JESUS redeems yesterday, today, and forever... THANK GOD!

I have experienced the redeeming power of Christ and I know no matter where you are in life and what lies you have been entangled in, He has the power to break those lies and bring a light to your path that is filled with redemption.

This HOPE is for us as it is for this man.

The TRUTH is a game changer.

Exchange the lies for the TRUTH today.

Live Loved.


Kim Winston Bigler
FREEtheINSIDE

(This entry is dedicated to my boys residing in "The Hole" at the Juvenile Detention Center in Sylmar. Please pray that these kids do not live out the lies but come to know the truth that will set them free.)

SELF- DOUBT... GET OUT!

Self-doubt.

Is there anything more miserable in life, more destructive to vision, or more plaguing to creativity?

It is so deceptive. It lies about your abilities. It lies about your worth. It lies about your purpose. And frankly, it hates your guts. Strong? Well, has self-doubt said anything to you that has served you well when you have trusted it's words?

No?

Exactly.

Well, wait a minute Kim. Maybe self-doubt helps me see the reality of things that I need to see, a real perspective for one who may trust TOO much in their own thinking or abilities. Like if I was in a relationship that is not really that healthy but "self-doubt" gives me enough uneasiness that I question my choice in that potential life-long partner. No. That is not self-doubt. That my friend is discernment and they ARE TOTALLY DIFFERENT things. One leads to fear, self-abasement, and paranoia and the other leads to life, trust, and freedom.

Self-doubt is a killer. A killer of dreams. A killer of worth. A killer of purpose. A killer of time. A killer of freedom. A killer of joy. A killer of trusting ANYTHING AND ANYONE... including God.

Discernment is THE truth we need to be listening to. When discernment comes, there is a wisdom that is imparted. The kind of wisdom in the Book of James that is described as pure, peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. Self-doubt doesn't EVER leave a good feeling. Actually, it leaves you feeling confused and crummy. So self-doubt is not true wisdom from heaven, because discernment coming from true wisdom from heaven leaves a mark of peace, every time. A sense of security, every time. A sense of God's love and direction, every time. So let discernment help you determine what plans are God's for your life, because self-doubt is a liar and can't be believed nor followed.

See, God has put a lot inside of me. But self-doubt is always tempting me to distrust that those things will ever see the light of day. And for whatever reason, when I do hear God's voice directing my steps, I am tempted to doubt that THAT voice is even His. Sounds loony. Well, it is. However, I do believe there are certain personal and spiritual barriers we have to overcome that attempt to steal, kill, and destroy the God-given plans that reside within each of us. Physical challenges and self-doubt have been major barriers I have had to overcome. OK, still overcoming. I admire people who just believe. Don't battle this way in their minds. But God has used this personal struggle to encourage others, and I believe the power that God gives me to encourage and inspire comes out of having to walk in victory over this personal struggle myself. I am an encourager, because I have chosen to freely give what I have freely received from God Himself. God is an encourager. Period. I have literally seen self-doubt shipwreck lives. And although it's been a battle, God knows it will NOT shipwreck mine. He is constantly fighting to redeem what self-doubt has wrecked. He wants to redeem those lives and encourage them to believe again. So be encouraged, if self-doubt has stolen much from your life, redemption is always available and you will be amazed of what He can restore!

What is in your heart? What gives you passion? What if you trusted God with your heart and passion? THERE is your purpose... THERE is your path... the very one you were created for.

Now Fly.

And to the Lord be all the glory.


Kim Winston Bigler
FREEtheINSIDE

(this entry is dedicated to those who feel like they've "missed it" due to this killer of dreams... no you haven't and do it... even more extreme.)

"THE GOD STUFF": A Response To The Annoyed

Be warned. I talk about "the God stuff".

Every now and then someone will make a slightly sarcastic comment on how I or other Christians talk about "the God stuff" a lot.

Well, maybe because we... are... Christians?

If art was at the core of your identity, you would probably talk about art... a. lot.

If baseball was at the core of your identity, you would probably talk about baseball... a. lot.

If dogs were at the core of your identity, you would probably talk about dogs... a. lot. And that would probably aggravate me as much as me talking about God stuff may aggravate others:)

My point is this. God is at the very core of a Christian's identity. We recognize that this most loving Being has given us every single blessing we have ever received here on Earth. We recognize that He has never left us or forsaken us even when others have. We recognize that He carries us when we are weak. We recognize that His Son was given to take our wrongs, shame, and the pain of imperfection so that we might live as free, loved, shame and guilt-free beings. We recognize that He makes a way for us when there seems to be no way at all. We recognize that He is faithful even when we are faithless. We not only recognize these things, we have experienced these things. We have personally experienced the Lord in these ways. So please understand if we talk about Jesus, God, and all "that stuff". It's not because we are trying to be disturbing to anyone. Nah. It's because He is simply our everything. He is at the core of our identity. He is "where" our identity comes. And there is no shame in that.

This God stuff not only CHANGED my life, but SAVED my life. If I talk about God stuff a lot, that is why.

I do not talk about Him to shove Him down anyone's throat or to annoy, but if you ask me why my son is so amazing or how I landed such a loving husband or how I am not the nut-job I used to be before all this God stuff began, the God stuff WILL come up. All these blessings and all this growth have only come from one source and one source ALONE.

Art may be what you DO, but God is who makes you what you are... what you can BE... on the inside... if you let Him.

I guess the only way to TRULY avoid the God stuff is to avoid Christians...

but where's the fun in that:)


Kim Winston Bigler
FREEtheINSIDE


(this entry is dedicated to the annoyed... truce:))

RECOVERY IS A PROCESS

New International Version (©1984)
For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

New Living Translation (©2007)
For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.

"Health is thought of in terms of wholeness, well-being, life, strength, and salvation... What modern man confines to the body, the Bible extends to the whole of man's being and relationships. It is only when man's being is whole and his relationships right that he can be truly described as healthy." - John Wilkinson


So I wanted to take a month or so off from ministry life to write. That's why I haven't posted in awhile. I have four writing projects I want to focus on. I have been making SOME strides. Keyword being "some". Maybe it has something to do with my uncanny ability to procrastinate or the almost non-existent character trait of self-discipline (yes, I am fully aware that self-discipline is a fruit of the Holy Spirit and I am also fully aware I do not have it), but instead of writing, I found myself spending the "off" time differently. Not writing... much. I found myself doing something I am constantly struggling to do. Something that doesn't feel natural, doesn't feel steady, doesn't feel healthy, and I write about it a lot because it's my struggle in life... RESTING! WHAT UP!

REST happened in Louisiana where I was going to visit friends and fam AND WRITE. As I woke up every morning, I felt an ease I haven't felt in awhile. I allowed my mind and body to embrace the slower pace and the simple beauty of the south. I would get prepared to write, BUT then I would see a hummingbird outside that I had to examine (or a lizard, or a tree frog, or a wasp). Of course this wasn't the first time I was seeing these little creatures, but it was the first time in awhile I was "SEEING" these little creatures. Know what I mean? No? Then this post is for you:)

Hours would pass as I became "Dora the Explorer" in my own right. My son would get involved too. We ended up acting out our own National Geographic shows, making up a plethora of bogus facts about the variety of varmints and such we would come in contact with in the yard and adjacent woods. I loved that we were "SEEING" these animals together. When we finally came in from our explorations... sweaty, dirty, and stinky... it was pool time! So you see, writing somehow took a backseat. Almost everyday.

REST was trying to get my attention AGAIN. Should I be annoyed? It's always interrupting my life. OR it's ADD and I need to redirect this blog. I had a writing project to attend to on that trip. Who has time to rest? Yet here it was. Like a pillar that I couldn't get around. I either had to embrace it or get a wrecking ball to remove it. For years, I was the wrecking ball. A human wrecking ball. Storming through life like a tornado. We know how destructive those are. In ministry, it was no different. Wrecking ball! Only now in a more productive field of work:) If the autoimmune crisis didn't get my attention, maybe wasps would?

Incredibly... they did.

REST asked me on a date and a miracle happened... I went without a fight. I keep rejecting it's desire to be more of a companion in my life. Yet, it has never given up on me even when I thought I would be giving up on life if I embraced it too much. If you are wondering why on God's green earth would I think REST to be a bad thing, than you are normal. Congratulations. I, however, am not. I admit I need help and maybe need to go to a recovery group or something. I need to GO GO GO to feel normal, steady, and healthy. However, I need to rethink priorities and the way I approach life as much as I need breath, and these "dates" were helping. Rest and I also went on dates with my mom and dad, my son, my high school friends, my old Tchefuncta Swim Club buddies, and now that I am back home in Cali... my husband has gone out with us too. He likes these dates the best:)

I don't know what rest looks like for everyone. For me, it means stopping. I'm not stopping motherhood, or being a wife, or a friend, or a child of God, or even being a light in this world. These things are who and what I am. BUT, I am stopping those things which have gotten in the way of those priority roles. I am stopping the compulsion to over-commit which has complicated life and my relationship to God and others. I am stopping those things I have been doing more in my own strength than in God's grace. I am going to stop relying so much on my abilities and lean more on His. My faith needs to be aimed more towards God's work and His hand moving than my own. Have I said this in an earlier post? Probably. Recovery is a process. No matter what the Lord is trying to free you from. For me, it's myself:)

THANK YOU REST...

and tree frogs.


Kim Winston Bigler
FREEtheINSIDE

(This entry is dedicated to Saint Scholastica's Class of 1991. You are my girls.)

WHO'S YOUR DADDY?

So my husband put me on blast the other day. These are love-hate moments because he speaks truth that is hard to hear, yet life-transforming when I receive it as a gift and not as judgment.

We were talking about a house we are currently trying to own. For those of you who know us, yes... it's been a five year process. I hate processes. It's the story of my life, so why should this one be any different. So as I was saying, we were talking about the logistics of getting THIS house. And as I was talking, my husband cuts me off with a stern voice and this "come to Jesus" look on his face. First of all, he NEVER cuts off anyone when they are speaking, much less me. I'm the rude one. And secondly, he rarely gives me a "come to Jesus" look, except for recently I have noticed.

He says "Kim, what are you doing?"

"What are you talking about?" Responding as if he is about to accuse me of shoplifting or something.

He continues, "You are talking about this house like you are trying to barter with God."

"What are you talking about?" I asked again not understanding the interrogation what-so-evA.

He softens his tone just a bit, puts his hand on my knee as if to break some hard news, and says "Kim. You just said that if God gave you this house then you would use it for bible studies, prayer meetings, or to house orphans."

"Well I would!" I proclaimed dutifully.

He continues, "What if this house deal goes through just because it's a blessing... no strings attached... no bartering with God necessary... just because it's a blessing."

I didn't know how to respond. I love home-based bible studies when it's relational, real, and providing rich discussion. I have always wanted to have a home where I can get a lot of folks together and pray... with food nearby. I have always wanted to use my home for any orphan or widow that the Lord would lead to our care. These things are genuine desires. However, something about what he was saying was stinging me, and I wasn't sure why. This penetrating feeling always comes when the Lord wants to free me of a false belief I hold about Him or His ways.

Remember, truth without love WILL ALWAYS lead to a legalistic walk with God that WILL ALWAYS prove joyless, peace-less, and hard. Resentment, anger, and a "breaking away" are inevitable with this perspective. Wanting to glorify God with all that you are and all you have is not bad. We were made to glorify Him. But when the "duty" to glorify Him is not coming out from a natural overflow of His love, things get sticky. Anything sticky struggles with freedom. Have you ever seen a bug get in honey? I don't know if that is a weird analogy to use here but I am from the south, and I have seen bugs in EVERYTHING! That bug is struggling. No matter what it does to get free, it can't. Until someone gets it out and gets ALL the honey off can it experience freedom. My husband was helping to get the honey off.

In this world you usually have to give to get in most cases. It is mostly foreign for folks just to give to others unconditionally, ESPECIALLY if they aren't deserving. Well, I can tell you that I am not a perfect person. Most undeserving actually. So why would a perfect God bless me with anything. Well, because He's perfect. Perfect in the way He loves us, and perfect in His gift giving. If we are diligent with anything, there will be a reward. At some point that diligence will pay off. That is a universal principle (found in Proverbs). But there are blessings the Lord gives that are just because He loves us. His Son's death on our behalf being one of those blessings, just because... He loves us.

Is His love for me going to be determined based on if I get this house or not. Of course not. Unfortunately, some folks think that way. No, God already gave me His best over 2000 years ago. However, the blessing in this whole scenario was that He scraped a little more honey off my dutiful wings. Freedom is a process. I hate processes. But if they lead me to a better understanding of who my DADDY is, where I am being more rooted and grounded in His love... then scrape away!

James 1:17-18

So don’t be misled, my dear brothers and sisters. Whatever is good and perfect comes down to us from God our Father, who created all the lights in the heavens. He never changes or casts a shifting shadow. He chose to give birth to us by giving us his true word. And we, out of all creation, became his prized possession.

Ephesians 3:17-21

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that SURPASSES KNOWLEDGE- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.


Kim Winston Bigler
FREEtheINSIDE

(this entry is dedicated to my girls... you know who you are.)

KIM GETS SICK... KIM GETS QUIET... KIM GETS IT (well, kinda).

Psalm 119:28 (New King James Version)

"My soul melts from heaviness;
Strengthen me according to Your word."

Let me make myself clear... illness, disease, sickness, and a decrease in health comes from us living in a fallen world. Sin wrecked God's perfect design for man, in health and environment. Stress due to this wreckage of mind, will, emotions, body, and environment is the number one culprit of all physical ailments and issues. There is a reason why preachers tell you to hate sin... why the Bible tells us to hate sin... why God hates sin... because, well, it hates us. Sin has destroyed everything good and perfect that the Lord created in us and for us. As much as some folks want to blame God for bad things happening to us , He has actually been the ONE fighting for all of this loss to be restored.

Take my health for instance. About 6 years ago I started to experience PROFOUND fatigue. I was in ministry, going a hundred miles per hour. I made myself available to ANYONE who needed help as much as I possibly could. Slowing down for me was like disappointing the world... in my mind of course:) Do you sense my insanity at this point? Good if you do, that means you have sense. Bad if you don't, cause that means your next.

More symptoms started to pop up. My body was trying to warn me of the self-inflicted chaos happening in it due to my "savior mentality"... aka people pleasing. That warning grew more desperate in getting my attention and even more symptoms manifested over time. I went from "I feel a little tired" to "I think I'm about to die". I was experiencing the effects of a life-sucking autoimmune disorder. Stress had finally taken it's toll on a person who hadn't learned about the power of rest, the weakness of the mind and body apart from God's grace, and the hidden wounds of the soul that motivate one to TRY and be ALL things to everyone. That lack of wisdom and healing was killing me.

In my misunderstandings about God and His ways, I thought I was being punished, or didn't have enough faith to walk in divine healing, or it was Satan trying to stop the work of God. Nutcase-like? I know. But true. I had heard way too much wacky preaching that somehow stole my good sense. But the Lord was fighting for me. The Lord was not only trying to restore my body but my mind which threw my body under the bus in the first place. I started to see TRUTH that actually helped put me on the road to recovery.

First, I had been pushing myself past the boundaries of God's grace. We do that as Americans. Success means high performance, even in ministry, and rest is for my great grandmother. That idolatrous principle is the greatest killer on this planet. God made Adam to work the land but that work was NEVER meant to master him. It was for Adam's good, because God made people to thrive in having purpose. Second, I needed the Lord to heal deeper wounds in my soul that he had been trying to address for years. The Lord didn't send the autoimmune but He didn't just take it away either. The more loving thing, for me, was to use it to stop a run away freight train headed for a cliff. If the Lord would have just healed me instantly, I wouldn't have come to the deeper truths that my soul needed to be restored... to be made whole. I had to stop and allow rest in my life, to allow people to take care of me, and to allow Jesus to be the Savior in my life. His love and grace became more real to me as I started to let go of all the over-the-top expectations I had placed on myself and those others had placed on me. I got quiet. The restlessness started to diminish and I could hear God more clearly, feel His love so much more profoundly, and then I realized... the Lord trying to save my life, not just in body but in the quality of that LIFE Jesus died to give. Learning to live in His love and grace more fully has been the biggest gift the Lord has ever bestowed on me.

I wish I could tell you I am autoimmune challenge-free. I am not. Matter of fact, I am weakened under it's hooks as I am writing. I know why. I am still learning about the balance I need to have in my life. I still struggle with ministering out of God's grace alone, resting when my body tells me, asking for help, eating the proper foods to strengthen my body, among others. But I am learning. God doesn't have me on a tight leash. I do. That's the problem. He is trying to free me from it. I am doing so much better than when this all started. Healing HAS been progressive. God's grace is strong in my life. So is His love. I know I am on the road to recovery. He is faithful. There is an "abundant life" the Bible talks about, and I am learning what that life is all about. I like it. It's real.

Proverbs 8:14 (New King James Version)

Counsel is mine, and sound wisdom;
I am understanding, I have strength.

Isaiah 40:31 (Amplified Bible)

But those who wait for the Lord [who expect, look for, and hope in Him] shall change and renew their strength and power; they shall lift their wings and mount up [close to God] as eagles [mount up to the sun]; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint or become tired.

Isaiah 41:10 (New International Version, ©2011)

So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.



Kim Winston Bigler
FREEtheINSIDE

(this entry is dedicated to those who have walked before me and helped to show me the way... the better way... thank you Ruth!)

WAIT?... I HATE WAITING!

I don't know if you are like me, but I hate waiting for things to happen. I know the word "hate" is strong, but it appropriately fits my feelings about it. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe if I didn't "hate" it SO much, I wouldn't have to endure it SO much. Who knows? Whatever. All I know is that I feel like the times of "waiting" in my life have been there mostly to teach me patience, to be content in the present. There is a wonderful freedom I can sense in someone who is content in the moment, who can live each day content in whatever that day may bring. My husband is THAT person. My son is THAT person. Me?... not so much. I seem to always be looking ahead. I am a visionary. That's how the Lord made me. But in my IMPATIENCE, I have gone before Him in things more times than I can count. We all know if something is out of God's timing, it's out of His blessing, even if the vision is from Him. So "waiting" for me has been a very humiliating yet crucial thing for me to learn. Waiting and being content in the waiting have proved to be important... for my mental health, my emotional health, spiritual health, my family life, and for my relationship to myself AND God.

Waiting... ugh.

I have to say though... when I look back on my life FULL of lessons learning to wait on God, I see something freeing that has happened to me. That freedom I sense in those content in the "now", I now see is being formed in me. When impatience is FINALLY broken, then waiting becomes a wonderful grace. It frees me to enjoy my life daily and see the wonder in the day to day. I love the simple things. The temptation of having to prove that my dreams are from God by "making it happen" is broken. This is freedom. This is LIFE.

Waiting doesn't mean sitting idle looking for our vision, our dreams, to fall out of the sky. That's nuttiness. No. Waiting is active, it's actually very active. Our day to day, living in connection with the Lord and being faithful with what we are given to do TODAY will prove to set you on a course that you can look back on someday and see was tied to a bigger picture all along. Your life is a tapestry... one patch sown at a time. Some folks get impatient. Want the work done now. Want the dream now. Want the breakthrough now. NOW. NOW. NOW. But God has a bigger picture in mind than what we really can comprehend. When the time has come and the vision has finally come into the blessing of the Lord, ONLY THEN can we see what the "waiting" was all about. Wow, finally, your vision has come into His time AND His will, which means... HIS BLESSING! YES! Then and only then, can you see that the "day to day" was brilliant strokes of the Master Painter. Those tiny strokes were making the most foundational and crucial parts of the painting, of the masterpiece. Without those tiny strokes the whole painting wouldn't, COULDN'T be as the Creator intended.

Waiting... ahhhh.

Only then can we reflect on "waiting" and say... ahhhh, how great thou art.

Habakkuk 2:3
"For the vision is yet for an appointed time;
But at the end it will speak, and it will not lie.
Though it tarries, wait for it;
Because it will surely come, it will not tarry."



Kim Winston Bigler
FREEtheINSIDE Ministries

(this entry is dedicated to the precious folks at Northlake First Assembly of God)

PERSONAL STORY CONCLUDED!

This post is the 4th part of a personal story. Reading the other previous 3 posts may help make this story make more sense:)

Psalm 51:6 (Amplified Bible)

"Behold, You desire truth in the inner being; make me therefore to know wisdom in my inmost heart."

God desires us to know truth from the inside out. If we don't know Him and His ways, and I mean REALLY know Him, mistruths about Him and His ways will cause bondage in our lives. Mistruths about the Lord and His ways are taught or caught. Religious folks, and I mean the ones more focused on conduct than relationship, have served more as a stumbling block to others. Having a close personal walk with Christ is difficult without understanding how much we are dearly and relentlessly loved. Usually those who are hard on themselves are hard on others, and unfortunately this can come across through teachings about Jesus from the pulpit. What is the result? A misunderstanding about the heart of God that imparts more fear, resentment, and legalism than freedom. If teachings/sermons about Jesus aren't bringing you more into a knowledge of God's heart so you get rooted and grounded in the knowledge of His love, RUN... away. And if you are the one being a stumbling block to others, stop and get healing for your perfectionism. That nasty perfectionism that is self-exalting. Jesus is the ONLY perfect ONE. That's why we need grace. You can't serve God and desire to walk in His ways without truly understanding His love first.

OK... so anyway, I had caught something in ministry that was toxic to my relationship with God and others. My "people pleasing" had proved to be a horrible companion and co-laborer in ministry, in life. The Lord was about to bring me back to the truth about His heart for me and others in such a way that not only would I break free from "people-pleasing", but it would become the central message and motivation of all I would ever do or say for Him going forward.

So there I was leading the bible study for those in recovery. I started to read the Book of John in the New Testament as the directed by the Lord. I read for awhile, and as I saw that everyone was staying interested, I kept reading. This went on for a few weeks... reading... just reading.

One day I was reading how Jesus healed and delivered all these people who were desperate for His touch. He demonstrated so much of God's heart as He reached out to His disciples and to others around him. I began to feel something. My heart had grown numb for some time, but now something was getting through. The more I read, the more my heart felt a strong current go through it. It was like the current I felt when I first met the Lord. God was restoring me back to His heart... not through more work... not through more prayer... not through having more faith... not through fasting... but through His love. I had read the Book of John SO many times, but as I read to the group, it was like reading it for the first time. The truth about God's heart through the life of Jesus, GOT INTO MY INMOST PARTS... DEEP INTO MY HEART. Somehow. Without me trying or striving. As His love was hitting me, it was hitting the group. At one point as I was reading, I felt so much of God's love that I just started to weep. And I couldn't stop. It was like a fog had lifted and I could see the truth again. And so could they. I wept and wept and could care less what anyone thought. God and I were having a moment... publically. As I continued to cry and snot in my hands, a dear man who had had more trials in his life than most people, came up to me, placed his hands on my shoulder and said, "Don't worry, I have been there. Everything is going to be ok".

I have never been an addict. OK, maybe to approval. OK, definitely to approval. But I realized at that moment that we ALL have struggles and without the love of God, we are hopeless. ALL OF US! Ministers are no different. We are people. We get in trouble when we forget that. We are useless to others when we forget that. Worse, we can be harmful to people when we forget that. I was no different than this man. Both of us DESPERATELY needed a Savior... DAILY! This guy who I am suppose to be loving with Jesus's love, is Jesus's love to me. As he comforted me, the whole group of those in the recovery group came and put their arms around me. They cried with me without asking any questions... for the rest of the meeting. God's love was more tangible in that moment than any time of my life. Thank you Lord... lesson learned. I was changed, restored, reclaimed... again. So were they.

Ephesians 3:17-21 (New International Version, ©2011)

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in LOVE, MAY HAVE POWER, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this LOVE that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

God is love. He can't be anything but.

And LOVE NEVER FAILS!


Kim Winston Bigler
FREEtheINSIDE Ministries

(this entry is again dedicated to the folks in this recovery group. You are my heart!)

RECLAIMING MY IDENTITY: PERSONAL STORY CONTINUED...

God's love is relentless.

The Bible says that God IS love. Many feel that God is anything but loving because of the things they have gone through in life. They usually feel that if there were truly a loving God, they would have been spared of those offenses or trials. He would have intervened, after all He is all-powerful right? Well, yes and no. He is all-powerful indeed and since He is love, He can't be anything but that. However, God did not create our broken world. (I will get into why there seems to be a lack of intervention at a later time.)Sin of man has created this broken world. Satan tempted man to come out from God's protection and guidance where man was free, man took the bait, and this world has been in chains ever since.

However, God sent a Redeemer. Jesus. He came to die on the Cross for our sins so that these chains would be broken. He didn't come just so we could go to heaven, although that's a biggie. He came so that we would experience His redemption here on earth... in this life. When I first came to Christ, I experienced FREEDOM. After, as life continued, this freedom was challenged. For every person who lives for the Lord, who is a believer, you will have challenges despite some theologies out there. But God's love is relentless and He will complete what He started in us.

Luke 22:31-34 (New International Version, ©2011)

“Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you like wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers." But he replied, “Lord, I am ready to go with you to prison and to death." Jesus answered, “I tell you, Peter, before the rooster crows today, you will deny three times that you know me.”

I have never denied the Lord after that expereince in 2000. I have continued to love Him even in the midst of my trials. However, I had become doubtful of His ways due to my trials in ministry and in my health. I went from, "Lord, I'll go anywhere and do anything for you!" to "I'm mad at you and I'm out!". Immature... probably. Weak... definitely. But true. I, like Simon Peter, was being sifted like wheat. Yet I , like Simon Peter, was about to be restored and strengthened to go back and strengthen others...

I started serving at another church after taking some time off. The senior pastor had asked me if I would conduct a bible study for those going through recovery from addictions. I said with a bit of hesitation, yes. Going to that first meeting was nerve-racking because I hadn't ministered in awhile, my faith was going through a crisis (nobody knew that of course), and reading the bible had become a duty not a life-giving discipline to me. I had no idea what to do and just decided to roll with whatever the Lord led me to do at the moment. Thank God I still trusted He would guide me in these situations, AND thankfully He still gave me a love for the poor in spirit to respond to this opportunity! Anyway, I awkwardly walked in and saw real folks, who I could sense, needed Jesus more than breath and DESIRED TO KNOW HIM. MAN! I didn't even know if I knew Him as well as I thought, being a pastor and all, and yet I was sent! Really Lord? I thought in my head. Really? You are sending me, a confused broken preacher in the midst of trial to teach them who you are?... I need to know who you are! I heard a soft confident voice speak back to me, "Great, then you will understand them more than anyone right now." Bam. He spoke. I knew at that moment He had been in control of all of this from the beginning. He was doing something, and even though I still didn't understand, I needed to trust Him again.

Hebrews 4:14-16 (New International Version, ©2011)

Jesus the Great High Priest
Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to EMPATHIZE with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

The Lord was not going to send someone into the lives of these folks who was just going to judge, or teach self-righteously, or preach "at". He wanted someone who could understand their desperate need for God, who has felt forsaken, who understood their rejection and need for restoration in their lives. I was the perfect candidate for this group. And Jesus was the perfect candidate for us.

The bible study started. We all made our introductions. We were all nervous and they were expectant. "What am I going to do here Lord. I don't feel like I can preach from that place of conviction as I use to, so what would you have me do right now?" I continued to have this unseen conversation with the Lord until I finally heard him say, "Read John". Then I was trying to argue with the Lord that it would be too boring if I just read to them like children at storytime. All I heard back was, "Just read". So I told them that we were going to read through the Book of John in the New Testament. Nobody knew what I was talking about, so I just started reading.

The last portion of this personal story to come...



Kim Winston Bigler
FREEtheINSIDE Ministries

(This entry is dedicated to my friends in this recovery group. You have changed me, I love you, and I will NEVER forget you.)

RECLAIMING MY IDENTITY: PERSONAL STORY CONTINUED

Empathy.

We need more of it in the Body of Christ.

Empathy is the identification with and understanding of another's situation, feelings, and motives.

I mean the Church SHOULD ROCK AT EMPATHY!

When I first came to Christ around the year 2000, I was filled instantly with a love for people I had never known before. Before that time, I had always been attracted to the "underdogs" of the world but wasn't driven to actually make a difference. I was lacking something. I was lacking a love that is compelled to act. A selfless love that wanted nothing in return from others. When Jesus showed up, I was filled with this love and saw the broken in such a way that all I wanted to do was be used on some level to extend Jesus' heart to them in a real way. I empathized with their need for love, strength, and peace. I understood their brokenness and the desire to be healed and whole. I left my cush job in NYC to go after the poor in spirit, to lift them up the way Jesus did me, having complete faith that God would lead and provide along the way. All my views about what success was in this life had changed.

Did I mention Church was tricky? Unless true humility has been birthed in a church leader, that church could be in for some interesting times. An identity is learned, imparted. It's important who you follow. Some churches have a humble and loving spirit about them. All you have to do is meet the leader/s of that church and know why. Same is true for churches who have, well, a not so loving and humble spirit about them. The nature of that church leadership usually influences the flock who attend. Jesus should be our biggest influence, but sometimes this is just not the case for people who claim Him as Lord of their lives. Some may have started walking closely with Him only to find a departure somewhere along the journey.

I learned the "business" of ministry early on as a pastor. Talk about a hindrance to following Jesus. (Rabbit Trail: If you are in the "business" of ministry or go to a church where He is just a commodity, not the CEO, and people are expendable... RUN... run as fast as you can... or have a "come to Jesus" meeting with the pastors there. Seriously. For the love of humanity.) As I was saying, I GRADUALLY got my eyes off the only ONE I should be truly following always, Jesus. As pressures of the ministry became heavy and true support became non-existent, I burned out. Big time.

I remember being on my honeymoon (I married the most amazing man ever... more to come about how the Lord used him to bring me back to life). I was sitting on a beautiful beach, looking at the clouds in the sky, resting for the first time in a long time and I said to God, "I'm done. I'm not going back to ministry. I feel like a pawn, and I am not going to be one anymore. I love you but I am mad at you, and quite frankly, Your church is crazy." I didn't have anymore faith to carry anyone anymore, my body was shutting down due to exhaustion, and I was confused.

Empathy. There are times we need others to come along side of us when we are down or have lost our way. ALL OF US. People who understand what we are going through. People who can speak truth where lies have come in. I needed a "safe place", safe people. When I tried to reach out, I either got "have more faith" or "maybe you need to repent of some sin" or "just claim His promises" or in some cases... "just have a drink". Where was Jesus in all this? I wasn't finding Him anywhere... WHY? Having faith is good, repenting of sin is good, claiming His promises... good, BUT WHERE WAS THE HEART OF GOD! WHERE WAS THE DEFENDER OF THE WEAK... because the last time I checked... I WAS WEAK! WHERE WAS THE GOD WHO SENT HIS ONLY SON NOT TO CONDEMN THE WORLD BUT TO SAVE IT! WHERE WAS THAT GOD BECAUSE I NEED SAVING RIGHT NOW! Would I have to pay someone to listen to me, to provide REAL guidance for a sister right now. Really, I had to pay someone to care? This thought made matters worse. Satan filled my mind with so many doubts about God, His love for me and His plans for me. However, I was learning something crucial in this dark season. After years of trying to live up to false expectations as a leader, God had to heal something in me that had been there since childhood. He was also preparing me, His way, to be the minister He had designed for me to be. I was about to personally experience real ministry, the kind the real Jesus was in. Then once He restored me, I would turn around and strengthen my brother and sister. God was MAKING me... into a strong woman of faith... a true servant of Jesus... a defender of the weak. God was going to take me to the depths of humanity, including my own, and show me EMPATHY... His way.



Kim Winston Bigler
FREEtheINSIDE Ministries

(this entry is dedicated to the incredible people at The Center who care about burned out leaders, who love without judgment, and who humbly represent Christ when one can't seem to find Him)

RECLAIMING MY IDENTITY: PERSONAL STORY

"What is always at the heart of delusion or false religion is the promise that you don't really have to learn to trust the Lord; our faith doesn't have to grow over time. You don't have to learn to deal with the flesh with all it's memories and deceptions. You can leap from childhood to maturity over night. You can instantly become everything you want to be."
-Zeisler

Jesus did not promise a trial-less life. He promised a redeemed one.

Redeem:

1. to recover ownership of by paying a specified sum

2. To turn in and receive something in exchange

3. To set free; rescue

4. To restore the honor, worth, or reputation of

I became a minister shortly after giving my life to Christ. I loved serving people in a way that brought them closer to the Lord... to their Savior. God proved to be an active God. I saw Him do miraculous things. He was not a God off in the heavenlies sitting on a cushy couch eating bon bons. He was not a God looking down on us little humans zapping "bad" people and blessing "good" people at a wave of a wand. No. I saw Him break through the lives of those most wouldn't associate with, have time for, or look at twice. He loves to notice the unnoticed. He proved to be a God who desires to restore broken humanity from the weights of life we were never created to bear. Life was good.

Church. Church is tricky because people are well... people. I will never understand why the Lord chose us humans to be His hands, heart, and voice to others. No wonder He has a bad reputation in the minds of many. He is probably the most misrepresented and misunderstood Being in the universe. The Church has had a struggle with balance. Some churches impart more judgement than love, while others impart more love than truth. You can't have truth without love, and you can't have love without truth if you want to know the REAL Jesus. I have seen many people's faith shipwrecked over the imbalance. It grieves me. I can personally understand how we can lose our focus on who Jesus really is...

I had been a pastor/leader for a few years now and at first it was great. But then there was a weariness in my soul that was creeping in on me. I would push it away thinking I just needed a day of rest, but it proved relentless. I grew more fatigued as time passed. I noticed I was getting nervous a lot, fearful at times, and angry. I would try and read the Bible or worship, but I just couldn't. My love for people grew cold and I seemed to "numb". I started to isolate. Sounds like depression? Well it was.

The church where I was serving at the time was WAY out of balance. (Rabbit trail: Passion and pride are lethal in the Body of Christ. If you exhibit a spiritual elitism... stop it. Stop it right now and sit at the Cross. Seriously. For the sake of humanity.) I also was trying to be everyone's savior. Yep, I had caught "the martyr mentality" like the flu. I didn't want it. But I got it. On top of all this, I had major cracks in my soul the Lord still desired to heal. I was too busy "serving" at this point to give Him the time. The enemy of my soul took advantage of this time of vulnerability and came in like a flood with lies and magnified every inadequacy and weakness of mine. God wasn't good anymore. He was a taskmaster putting demands on me I wasn't able to accomplish. I must have failed along the way to feel this lack of grace and blessing in the work He called me to. Everything about the Lord and who I was as His child was challenged.

I would like to say this only lasted a short time, but it lasted a few years. Although this time was painful, the Lord used it to strengthen His message of redemption in my own life. I would later realize the Lord wanted me to know Him as Healer as well as Savior on a personal level. I would also learn to trust Him in a deeper way. I would go through the fire but the love of God would prove stronger than Satan's lies and my personal weaknesses.

More to come about the revelation that changed my life... again.

Kim Winston Bigler
FREEtheINSIDE Ministries

(this entry dedicated to all the Christian servants who lay down their lives for another)

HE HAS A GOOD PLAN FOR US!

I wanted to get 2 posts in this week, but I had to prepare to preach on Wednesday for FREEtheINSIDE's 1st service. It was an amazing time, and the Lord moved powerfully among us. He is faithful.

Have you ever had a season where you looked at your life and said,

"What happened to me?"

"How did this happen?"

as if you had really great intentions at some point... your eyes were set to walk a path abundant with promise, yet something happened and you got off course. It was subtle and progressive, but somehow you got out in the deep with no life jacket.

I certainly have been in this place. I certainly have asked these questions. A few times. Ok, more times than I would really like to admit. As humbling as these times are, these questions have always led to major transitions in my life where there was a change for the better. It brings me to a point where I am now able to admit I am a horrible navigator as far as my life is concerned. I then become aware that my Creator has a purpose for me and He is able to bring about the change on my inside that enables me to fulfill it. It really wasn't until that full revelation of who Jesus was and what He did, did I understand I really wasn't left to myself to figure everything out for my life. Thank God! A weight lifts from my heart and mind knowing that His hands can guide. His hands can lead as I trust that every step will be revealed at it's proper time. But this clarity can be a fight to maintain. It can be a fight to hang on to this truth... and this surrender.

TRUTH:
Do you know that the Lord has a good plan for us? Sometimes irresponsible preachers or pastors can paint a condemning picture of how God thinks about us... and His intentions toward us. Like He has a checklist in hand, waiting to bless us or curse us based on our performance in life. Wrong. LIE. Don't get me wrong, any sin has consequences. Without Jesus they have eternal ones. Yet the unfortunate things that happen in life come mostly from our OWN bad choices (or someone else's). The Lord does not have a paddle in His hand waiting to spank us when we "get out of line". He does however want us to receive the work of Jesus on the Cross because that is where we find the forgiveness, love, and redemption which empowers us to get back on track, back on the path we found ourselves so far from. Whether someone else's bad decisions or sin have affected us greatly or our own, our lives can be restored in the hands of Jesus.

This is the Lord's TRUE intention toward us (Jeremiah 29:11):

New International Version (©1984)
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

New Living Translation (©2007)
For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

English Standard Version (©2001)
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

What are His plans toward us? Let's say it together and NEVER FORGET IT... FOR GOOD! TO PROSPER! NOT TO HARM! NOT FOR DISASTER! FOR WELFARE! NOT FOR EVIL! TO GIVE US HOPE! TO GIVE US A FUTURE! This is the TRUTH. This is the HOPE that's in CHRIST. All we have to do is call upon Him. After declaring His good plan for His people in that verse He continues:

"Then when you call upon me and come pray to me, I will hear you. When you search for me, you will find me; if you seek me with all your heart, I will let you find me, says the Lord, and I will restore you..." (Jeremiah 29:12-14)

See what a good God He is. He really is for us, not against us. But the devil always tries to get us to think that the Lord isn't good... that the bad things that have happened in our lives are His fault. LIE. That's why there is a fight of faith that we must endure.

Personal Story:
My personal story regarding my own fight to hold onto the truth that God is good all the time and His plan for me was a good one is long and intense. With this said, my next post will ONLY be my PERSONAL STORY of how this truth was tested... not by God but by the enemy of my soul. If you have never believed there was an enemy of God, well I am ready to challenge that. Next post of my personal story will hopefully be posted by Sunday:)

Word for Today:
The Lord is good all the time. The times we have felt that He was less than good are lies. These lies come from a wrong knowledge about God either imparted by misguided ministers, our own made up ideas about who God is and His ways, or Satan who the Bible calls the "father of lies". We need to know the REAL Jesus, the REAL Father, and the very REAL Holy Spirit that helps impart the LIFE we have been given in Christ. Bring us back to life Lord!



Kim Winston Bigler
FREEtheINSIDE Ministries

(this entry is dedicated to the clients of the Pregnancy Resource Center of San Fernando)

WE ARE IN THE PROCESS OF BEING "MADE"

I have received many personal messages regarding this topic of "IDENTITY". When hearing your stories, I see a very personal God at work in each of your lives. What a mind-blower that God, who is the CREATOR of the universe, wants you to know Him! You are starting to see the bigger picture of how we relate to a very real God. You are in a great place!

I came up with the title "MADE" for this blog because I saw a show once on MTV called "MADE" that influenced how I saw God's work in us. In this particular episode, a self-proclaimed geek, sporting all his awkwardness and social phobias, wanted to be transformed into his dream identity... a popular football jock. A team of "experts" were brought in to create this transformation. By the look of the task, it seemed impossible. I was watching even with a hint of disbelief... I'm just sayin'. During this time, the makeover team put him into a harsh schedule of exercise, football practice, and "how to be social with peeps" classes. To my amazement at the end of the show, he changed. He wasn't an awkward self-proclaimed geek anymore but a confident athlete. He was MADE!... well, that was at least what the show portrayed:)

TRUTH:

We, as Christians, are in the process of being MADE too. We are not left to our own devices, reasonings, and inadequacies to transition into who God made us to be. HE MAKES US. This "creating" process is in His hands. He is this "makeover team", but oh so much better! He is like a painter with a well skilled hand to paint a masterpiece. Every stroke is made with intention, patience, and the highest creative skill level in the universe. WHAT! How crazy is that! His process isn't rigorous, as religion would have us to believe. Nope. The process is most successful when we simply trust the Lord's intentions and love for us, and learn to live by His grace.

The Bible says we are HIS WORKMANSHIP (Ephesians 2:10)...

New International Version (©1984)
For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

New Living Translation (©2007)
For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.

English Standard Version (©2001)
For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

So is this just messing me up or are you seeing this too.. THAT WE ARE CREATED A NEW PERSON IN CHRIST, AND GOD WORKS ON US TO BE HIS MASTERPIECE SO WE CAN DO WHAT HE PREPARED FOR US LONG AGO TO DO!!!!!! There is nothing that He has "made" that lacks the beauty, strength, and radiance that comes from His own Being. Do you know that God doesn't create yard sale junk. Nope. He is only in the business of creating masterpieces. The kicker about God is that He creates masterpieces FROM yard sale junk! I think I was broken lamp with a hula dancer on it with tassles hanging from the shade:)

OK... so what are we to do if God is doing all the "doing" here?

We trust Him. We let Him in. We believe that when Jesus died on the Cross for our sins, He accomplished the impossible for us. God created a way for us to be MADE as He intended. We trust that when we put ourselves in His hands, we will start seeing a transformation.

Personal Story:

I was a mess before the Lord got a hold of my heart. A hot mess! But when I gave Jesus my life, some things suddenly changed (and ... some things didn't). What instantly came to me was the ability to see that the Lord had a definite plan for me. That I was wasn't just made out of dust particles and success wasn't just making money to have a nice house and a great wardrobe. Life was SO much deeper and love was much more powerful than ever imagined. My eyes were opened to see that LIFE was a person and LOVE was a Being. The Bible says that Jesus IS THE LIFE of men and that God IS LOVE. These two truths infused my life for the first time after that experienced I shared from the last post. ( I promise I will get to that horrible season of testing later.)

Word for Today:

The Lord wants to be your life and God wants you to know love. Receive this LIFE and trust this LOVE. Trust the Lord to restore you. He will have the task at hand to help you to know and receive true love... the kind that never leaves or forsakes, abandons or neglects, or is conditional and selfish. No, He isn't like man where His love is flawed. The life that we get from Christ helps us to receive this love and truth. May it transform you from the inside out!

And remember... He doesn't make junk, so you are in good hands.


Kim Winston Bigler
FreetheInside Ministries

(the entry is dedicated to the young folks at Hammond Presbyterian)