BOTOX TO BANDANNAS, AND EVERYONE IN BETWEEN... NEXT!

Romans 3:22-24
This righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to ALL who believe. There is NO DIFFERENCE between Jew and Gentile, for ALL HAVE SINNED AND FALLEN SHORT of the glory of God, and ALL ARE JUSTIFIED FREELY by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.

I had to go to the courthouse last week because I got a ticket and forgot to pay it (gasp). There was now a warrant out for my arrest (double gasp). I know. I am a heathen. The ONLY way out was to pay a bail amount, which was a RIDICULOUS amount. I know California is broke, but come on! Don't make me pay for the incompetence of those running this place. I vote for the mavericks, so don't be taking me down with the ship by sticking it to me for a minor mistake in society. I wasn't going a 100mph! I will move on before I break out the violin for myself:)

I enter the courthouse. I immediately get searched and scanned. My first real feelings of guilt for this ticket come over me while an officer pats me down. My minor mistake is now realized as breaking the law. Wow, maybe I am a heathen. Court workers were yelling at all of us, trying to bring order to a big herd confused of how to correct, and find mercy for, the bad things we have done. In line I was sandwiched in between a guy with a bandanna lowered over his eyes wearing a shirt that read "born on the streets", AND a Hollywood starlet dressed in denim and diamonds (or rhinestones) looking like she just came from a botox party. People started having conversations about why they were there. As I was respectfully listening to a guy talk about how a stupid *beep *beep cop pulled him over for having a what they thought was drugs in the back of his *beep *beep car, I was shouted at by a female clerk who was ready to deal with my pathetic soul... "NEXT!"

I started to make excuses to her like she was the judge. All of a sudden, a guy who looked like he'd been in the sun for a century started yelling and making threats to the clerk at the next window. The cops jumped on him like a burning fire. For fear of cops jumping on me next, I forget making excuses and just asked for mercy. I owned being a heathen, breaking the law, and now I just want to pay for what I have done. She coldly told me to pay the bail. Ugh. I can't pay that amount. It's too high for me. I was explaining this, putting on puppy-dog eyes. She looked completely annoyed. Finally, a miracle happened. She lowered it... a little. At least it was something. I paid the reduced bail and left wondering how the starlet, and my homie who was "born on the streets", made out.

All of us in that courthouse were so different in so many ways, YET we were all waiting in the same line because well, we broke the law. We were waiting to plead for the same thing... mercy. As much as we judge each other ALL THE TIME for ALL KINDS OF THINGS, we are ALL in the SAME line. No matter what we look like, what socio-economic background we are in, or even the level of seriousness our "mistakes" are, the bible says that we are all sinners. All of us. We have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. Whether we like to hear that or not is not even relevant, because that is a fact we will never be able to disprove based on opinion. However, it is also a fact that ALL our sins have been paid for by One who is more merciful than any clerk or court judge at the courthouse that heard our pleas for mercy that day. This Judge didn't just give us a little reduction in bail, He paid it Himself in full! Meaning, ANYONE who comes to him and just SIMPLY believes in this amazing truth and asks for forgiveness for those sins/shortcomings is COMPLETELY exonerated. Righteousness is then given in love and received by faith alone IN CHRIST. He is the One who is our court advocate and has paid in full the bail for us all. This promise isn't for just me, or my botox beauty, or my homie... it's for ALL.

NEXT!

Kim Winston Bigler
FREEtheINSIDE

(This entry is dedicated to my fellow lawbreakers who stood in line with me at the Chatsworth courthouse. His mercies are new each and every morning.)      

I'M A PHOENIX

PSALM 24:16
THE RIGHTEOUS FALLS SEVEN TIMES AND RISES AGAIN.

The word "righteous" really doesn't come to mind when thinking of adjectives to describe myself. Words like stubborn and goofy are a better fit. Yet the hardest falls of my life have all been followed by an amazingly strife-less rise. My good share of stumbles, fumbles, and outright humiliations in life somehow are ALWAYS redeemed in very strategic ways. Like a phoenix. When it looks like I am dead in the ashes of failure, my wings somehow rise, a wind lifts, and then I see a purposed destination where I had not intended to go... but it's good. Very good.

I did not make ANY resolutions for the new year because I realized that when it comes to bettering myself or making strides to fulfill a purpose, I don't know jack. Instead, I have decided to buckle my seatbelt and look straight ahead as this wind thrusts me forward and then listen very carefully to the pilot in charge of this ride.

When you trust the Lord, your failures make you stronger. Wiser. More resilient. How much wiser can a girl get? Ha.

Did you know that most successful entrepreneurs and pioneers are failures before their success came? (Abraham Lincoln being the most famous among them.) Do you know why? Because they weren't afraid to try things? Many folks never step out of their comfort zones. However, I can get a little too comfortable stepping out of my comfort zone in some things. That seatbelt I was strapping on for this year I mentioned earlier, it's a new thing for me. But I have learned that THAT seatbelt holding me in , is not holding me back. It's crucial for positioning and landing exactly where I need to without harm.

I have talked to MANY people with stories of supposed failure this year. Many of these folks aren't irresponsible, stupid, or rebels. On the contrary. They are hard working folks who just found out they didn't have the control they once thought, or that government wasn't the answer, or that "letting go and letting God" actually works. They are businessmen who realized family was the most important thing in life. They are students who realized doing your best doesn't mean perfection but trying with a good attitude. They are moms who realized playing with your kid in the mud is better time spent than keeping them out of it. They are ministers who realized ministry was more in the everyday living... that church programs would never make as big of an impact on this world than if every Christian would just make Jesus' command "to love" a LIFESTYLE, not event. (Ok, that one was my personal revelation.)

At times failures are wake-up calls. Thank God for them. We are realizing what is important in this life. We are realizing we don't have all the answers. We are realizing that a lot more dependency on the One who has complete control of everything is crucial. Whether you are an individual, business, or nation we need guidance when all else fails. We have looked for a perfect plan from imperfect people and a wake-up call is being sounded. We now need the Perfect One to pilot us out of this mess, these failures, and this apathy that has produced stress in our individual lives and more orphans, homeless, and debt among our societies.

But there is Hope. There is ALWAYS Hope awaiting us. This hope is a Living Hope who has the power to make those who have fallen rise again. Thank you Jesus that your love never fails, even when we do.

I'll leave you with some lyrics to a personal song favorite:

Phoenix Burn
by Alfa Red


I need love that will release me
Keep me honest, keep me happy
I need a peace with understanding
Trying to find a softer landing

I wanna know when I can change this
Or give it up and just embrace it
I need to find a way of letting it go
When everything falls apart

I've taken too much, given up
I am twisted, burning, breaking up
I need to find a way of letting it go
When everything falls apart

-------

Kim Winston Bigler
FREEtheINSIDE

(This entry is dedicated to those who have shared their stories of failure with me. You can resurrect because He did.)

THE RIGHT PERSON

Philippians 2:1-4

If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

A few weeks ago, I was in a ritzy shopping area returning something to a store. My car died in the parking lot. My first thought was, "thank the Lord I'm not in a shady neighborhood". Because of the line of service I am in, I usually am. My second thought was, "I'm gonna just pray it will start and get a break". Because of the line of service I am in, those breaks happen quite often:)

I prayed.

Nothing.

I prayed more enthusiastically (all you religious zealots out there can imagine, right?).

Still nothing.

(sigh)

Now I am having a talk with the Lord: "Really Lord? I'm gonna have to work at this one? I'm actually going to have to ASK SOMEONE FOR HELP?".

I hate asking for help. But at least I'm in a great, safe neighborhood to ask for help. Yep, this area (name withheld in order to avoid offending later) is beautiful where the rich live and the blue collar serve. Where most cars are Mercedes, Range Rovers, and other luxury vehicles. I'm not worried about guns being turned on me, or car jacking, or other things that happen on a daily basis in certain neighborhoods where I usually find myself.

So I get out of the car and wait to make eye contact with the "right person" who has the time, the heart, and the knowledge to juice up my battery.

I wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.

I try and make eye contact with men through their over-the-top eyewear/sunglasses. No connection. Why? Are they ignoring me? I think they are! Wow, for real? A girl has got her car hood up with a concerned look on her face and oil on her hands and clothes... IN CALABASAS (ok, I said it)... and NOBODY is noticing! Really??

Really.

While men are getting in their Ferraris that could easily juice up my little Jeep in 2 seconds, I am looking like a deer in headlights. Finally, I see a guy walking up to me. His name is Burt. Burt said he would help me. He's cheerful about it. Burt cleans the store windows. He is the first to acknowledge my need and offer help. He needs jumper cables though. He starts asking people if they have them. Several people say they don't. Yeah right, but moving onto the more positive part of the story:) Then Stan enters the scene. He has jumper cables. Stan works as a clerk for Rite Aid. He said he noticed we needed help. In a few minutes after the "right people" came to the rescue, I was in my car... safe and sound and driving to my next errand.

I serve the foster care community. I get resources to them because I saw them out on the sidewalk (figuratively speaking), with concerned looks on their faces, looking as I did by my car. I saw people passing them by as they tried to make "eye contact". They needed a jump-start like I did that day. After years of passing them by myself, I finally stopped and acknowledged their need. I finally became the right person with the time, the heart, and the knowledge. I haven't always been the "right person". I once lived for myself. Only concerned with my world, my life, and my problems. So much so that I didn't see humanity broken down on the side of the road. Thankfully, that has since changed.

The Burts and Stans of this world are created. They are. Most people I know who make themselves available to those broken down on the side of the road needing a hand have experienced needing a hand at some time in their lives themselves. Or it was modeled to them growing up. I can't imagine a world where the Burts and the Stans don't exit. That scares me. For anyone who doesn't believe that God is active in our lives, may I suggest He shows up on the scene in the hearts and hands of these people. I prayed and my engine didn't miraculously work. BUT I prayed and Burt showed up. So it is when a kid needs a home, or someone needs to eat, or someone needs a bed. The miracle is in those who show up.

I don't want to ignore. Pretend I don't see. Say I have nothing to give, when I do. I want to be THE RIGHT PERSON.

I'll leave you with a few lyrics from one of my favorite songs:

LAND OF CONFUSION
Phil Collins

There's too many men, too many people
Making too many problems
And there's not much love to go around
Can't you see this is a land of confusion?

This is the world we live in
And these are the hands we're given
Use them and let's start trying
To make it a place worth living in.

Kim Winston Bigler
FREEtheINSIDE

*I'm not dogging the rich by the way. I know many affluent folks who show up too:) It was just how my real life story played out.

(This entry is dedicated to Burt and Stan, and to the Burt and Stan's everywhere.)

Excuses, Excuses, and More Darn Excuses!

So some of you may have noticed I have been out of commission for awhile. I started the blog last summer, and after 14 posts, I fell off the face of the earth. Well, I have two reasons... or excuses. They go as follows:

1. I flaked because I am a perfectionist, so writing a SMALL blog gives me MASSIVE anxiety. Seriously.

2. I realized that writing a small blog takes away a lot of PRECIOUS mental energy that I need to expend on my young son, and husband.

OK, so here I am talking about my inner issues with anxiety AGAIN. I know. I find that this truth hurts my ego more than I would like to admit, so being "out of the closet" about it helps me cope. But I digress.

I just stopped writing and life got busy. As months past though, I realized that if I am not spilling out precious mental energy on writing, I am spilling it out on something. With my son at school for half the day now and my husband working like a dog, what is my excuse?

(Crickets chirping)...

Exactly.

What IS my excuse! I.AM.STALLING. Why? Trust me, my family gets more of my mental energy than they would like! Those of you who "know" me know what i am talking about. So I sought the Lord about what was going on here. Why this constant self-sabataging procrastination or flakiness?

I prayed.

I pondered.

I prayed some more.

Then FINALLY I came up with my answer that was later confirmed by a friend. This procrastination has a root of fear attached to it. It is something that has crippled me in the past. I have definitely found MAJOR freedom from it in the last 6 years of my life so why is this weight still tied around my neck. Fear of man is a seedy and often subtle thing that hinders people from being who they were created to be and doing what they were created to do. I have talked about this before. Yet, I had no idea a remnant of it was the culprit in holding myself back... AGAIN, but this time from writing. Even though I have had so much freedom from this bondage, it still managed to creep in so subtly in my procrastination to write. Procrastination doesn't have to be a sign of laziness by the way. I have come to understand it is rooted in fear as well.

I should know this by now. How long have I been counseling people with the same issues?! But I guess I still wanted to hold onto the "excuse".... so I wouldn't have to put myself out there.

To sum it up, the answer to my self-sabotaging procrastination is "DON'T GIVE A RIP!". I know that sounds soooo gritty. Well... I'm gritty (me not giving a rip right here, just so you know).

Many have asked me to blog. I felt to start one. So here we go again.

As I pray for all of you who read these things to receive some kind of word from God through them, please also pray that I continue slaying my own dragons in the process. Writing seems to be the Lord's "process of choice" right now to refine me. Let's do this together:)


Kim Winston Bigler
FREEtheINSIDE

(This entry is dedicated to Shane Jr., aka Shizl. Let's do this together.)

WHAT A LIE CAN DO...

I was channel-surfing one day and stopped on the Maury Show because I saw this guy's face looking really distressed. I wanted to change it immediately after realizing it was The Maury Show, because I don't like the fact they make their living off of making others look stupid. But hey... at least they find out what kids belong to who so there might be some responsibility taken. This man struck me because he looked really genuine, broken, and I sensed a humility about him that is rare to see on these types of shows.

He was there to find out if his 1 year old was his. He told the audience of how he was horrifically burned as a child and told all his life by doctors and family that he would NEVER be able to have kids. His distraught wife said she had never cheated on him or given him any reason to doubt her commitment to their marriage. BUT here they are on this degrading show spilling out their most private thoughts and hidden fears to the world. The man explained his reason for believing this beautiful little boy might belong to another man and how his devoted wife must have cheated on him. His reason was based solely on what the doctors and his family had told him all his life.... that he couldn't. have. kids.

Maury asked the man if he would leave his wife if indeed she cheated and the boy wasn't his. He said "I don't know".

Finally the moment of truth came. The boy WAS his! Overcome with emotion, he hugged his wife in relief. The staff brought out the boy to join them in the moving embrace.

Maury later asked the man AGAIN, "Why did you believe your wife cheated and your son wasn't yours?"

The man replied weeping,

"Because I didn't think I could make ANYTHING like my beautiful son... ANYTHING normal."

What a lie from the pit of hell. I wonder how much that lie had stolen from his life even before then. It almost stole the only thing he said he ever wanted... a family of his own to love and be loved in. That lie almost took THAT FAMILY, THAT HOPE, away from him.

What lies have we been told or have believed about ourselves that have cost us relationships, mental/emotional/spiritual/physical health, self-worth, and purpose. This man almost threw away his family because of a lie not to mention how this lie distorted his view of himself. What power this lie had over him that they would end up on such a show with his wife in question on national tv.

What places have we found ourselves in, what decisions have we made, what people have we given ourselves to, what dreams have we thrown away, what pills have we taken or pits we've fallen into because we have lived out of the lies we have believed.

I felt myself empathizing with that man. Believing lies has cost me much in my life...

BUT JESUS redeems yesterday, today, and forever... THANK GOD!

I have experienced the redeeming power of Christ and I know no matter where you are in life and what lies you have been entangled in, He has the power to break those lies and bring a light to your path that is filled with redemption.

This HOPE is for us as it is for this man.

The TRUTH is a game changer.

Exchange the lies for the TRUTH today.

Live Loved.


Kim Winston Bigler
FREEtheINSIDE

(This entry is dedicated to my boys residing in "The Hole" at the Juvenile Detention Center in Sylmar. Please pray that these kids do not live out the lies but come to know the truth that will set them free.)

SELF- DOUBT... GET OUT!

Self-doubt.

Is there anything more miserable in life, more destructive to vision, or more plaguing to creativity?

It is so deceptive. It lies about your abilities. It lies about your worth. It lies about your purpose. And frankly, it hates your guts. Strong? Well, has self-doubt said anything to you that has served you well when you have trusted it's words?

No?

Exactly.

Well, wait a minute Kim. Maybe self-doubt helps me see the reality of things that I need to see, a real perspective for one who may trust TOO much in their own thinking or abilities. Like if I was in a relationship that is not really that healthy but "self-doubt" gives me enough uneasiness that I question my choice in that potential life-long partner. No. That is not self-doubt. That my friend is discernment and they ARE TOTALLY DIFFERENT things. One leads to fear, self-abasement, and paranoia and the other leads to life, trust, and freedom.

Self-doubt is a killer. A killer of dreams. A killer of worth. A killer of purpose. A killer of time. A killer of freedom. A killer of joy. A killer of trusting ANYTHING AND ANYONE... including God.

Discernment is THE truth we need to be listening to. When discernment comes, there is a wisdom that is imparted. The kind of wisdom in the Book of James that is described as pure, peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. Self-doubt doesn't EVER leave a good feeling. Actually, it leaves you feeling confused and crummy. So self-doubt is not true wisdom from heaven, because discernment coming from true wisdom from heaven leaves a mark of peace, every time. A sense of security, every time. A sense of God's love and direction, every time. So let discernment help you determine what plans are God's for your life, because self-doubt is a liar and can't be believed nor followed.

See, God has put a lot inside of me. But self-doubt is always tempting me to distrust that those things will ever see the light of day. And for whatever reason, when I do hear God's voice directing my steps, I am tempted to doubt that THAT voice is even His. Sounds loony. Well, it is. However, I do believe there are certain personal and spiritual barriers we have to overcome that attempt to steal, kill, and destroy the God-given plans that reside within each of us. Physical challenges and self-doubt have been major barriers I have had to overcome. OK, still overcoming. I admire people who just believe. Don't battle this way in their minds. But God has used this personal struggle to encourage others, and I believe the power that God gives me to encourage and inspire comes out of having to walk in victory over this personal struggle myself. I am an encourager, because I have chosen to freely give what I have freely received from God Himself. God is an encourager. Period. I have literally seen self-doubt shipwreck lives. And although it's been a battle, God knows it will NOT shipwreck mine. He is constantly fighting to redeem what self-doubt has wrecked. He wants to redeem those lives and encourage them to believe again. So be encouraged, if self-doubt has stolen much from your life, redemption is always available and you will be amazed of what He can restore!

What is in your heart? What gives you passion? What if you trusted God with your heart and passion? THERE is your purpose... THERE is your path... the very one you were created for.

Now Fly.

And to the Lord be all the glory.


Kim Winston Bigler
FREEtheINSIDE

(this entry is dedicated to those who feel like they've "missed it" due to this killer of dreams... no you haven't and do it... even more extreme.)

"THE GOD STUFF": A Response To The Annoyed

Be warned. I talk about "the God stuff".

Every now and then someone will make a slightly sarcastic comment on how I or other Christians talk about "the God stuff" a lot.

Well, maybe because we... are... Christians?

If art was at the core of your identity, you would probably talk about art... a. lot.

If baseball was at the core of your identity, you would probably talk about baseball... a. lot.

If dogs were at the core of your identity, you would probably talk about dogs... a. lot. And that would probably aggravate me as much as me talking about God stuff may aggravate others:)

My point is this. God is at the very core of a Christian's identity. We recognize that this most loving Being has given us every single blessing we have ever received here on Earth. We recognize that He has never left us or forsaken us even when others have. We recognize that He carries us when we are weak. We recognize that His Son was given to take our wrongs, shame, and the pain of imperfection so that we might live as free, loved, shame and guilt-free beings. We recognize that He makes a way for us when there seems to be no way at all. We recognize that He is faithful even when we are faithless. We not only recognize these things, we have experienced these things. We have personally experienced the Lord in these ways. So please understand if we talk about Jesus, God, and all "that stuff". It's not because we are trying to be disturbing to anyone. Nah. It's because He is simply our everything. He is at the core of our identity. He is "where" our identity comes. And there is no shame in that.

This God stuff not only CHANGED my life, but SAVED my life. If I talk about God stuff a lot, that is why.

I do not talk about Him to shove Him down anyone's throat or to annoy, but if you ask me why my son is so amazing or how I landed such a loving husband or how I am not the nut-job I used to be before all this God stuff began, the God stuff WILL come up. All these blessings and all this growth have only come from one source and one source ALONE.

Art may be what you DO, but God is who makes you what you are... what you can BE... on the inside... if you let Him.

I guess the only way to TRULY avoid the God stuff is to avoid Christians...

but where's the fun in that:)


Kim Winston Bigler
FREEtheINSIDE


(this entry is dedicated to the annoyed... truce:))