Excuses, Excuses, and More Darn Excuses!

So some of you may have noticed I have been out of commission for awhile. I started the blog last summer, and after 14 posts, I fell off the face of the earth. Well, I have two reasons... or excuses. They go as follows:

1. I flaked because I am a perfectionist, so writing a SMALL blog gives me MASSIVE anxiety. Seriously.

2. I realized that writing a small blog takes away a lot of PRECIOUS mental energy that I need to expend on my young son, and husband.

OK, so here I am talking about my inner issues with anxiety AGAIN. I know. I find that this truth hurts my ego more than I would like to admit, so being "out of the closet" about it helps me cope. But I digress.

I just stopped writing and life got busy. As months past though, I realized that if I am not spilling out precious mental energy on writing, I am spilling it out on something. With my son at school for half the day now and my husband working like a dog, what is my excuse?

(Crickets chirping)...

Exactly.

What IS my excuse! I.AM.STALLING. Why? Trust me, my family gets more of my mental energy than they would like! Those of you who "know" me know what i am talking about. So I sought the Lord about what was going on here. Why this constant self-sabataging procrastination or flakiness?

I prayed.

I pondered.

I prayed some more.

Then FINALLY I came up with my answer that was later confirmed by a friend. This procrastination has a root of fear attached to it. It is something that has crippled me in the past. I have definitely found MAJOR freedom from it in the last 6 years of my life so why is this weight still tied around my neck. Fear of man is a seedy and often subtle thing that hinders people from being who they were created to be and doing what they were created to do. I have talked about this before. Yet, I had no idea a remnant of it was the culprit in holding myself back... AGAIN, but this time from writing. Even though I have had so much freedom from this bondage, it still managed to creep in so subtly in my procrastination to write. Procrastination doesn't have to be a sign of laziness by the way. I have come to understand it is rooted in fear as well.

I should know this by now. How long have I been counseling people with the same issues?! But I guess I still wanted to hold onto the "excuse".... so I wouldn't have to put myself out there.

To sum it up, the answer to my self-sabotaging procrastination is "DON'T GIVE A RIP!". I know that sounds soooo gritty. Well... I'm gritty (me not giving a rip right here, just so you know).

Many have asked me to blog. I felt to start one. So here we go again.

As I pray for all of you who read these things to receive some kind of word from God through them, please also pray that I continue slaying my own dragons in the process. Writing seems to be the Lord's "process of choice" right now to refine me. Let's do this together:)


Kim Winston Bigler
FREEtheINSIDE

(This entry is dedicated to Shane Jr., aka Shizl. Let's do this together.)