So my husband put me on blast the other day. These are love-hate moments because he speaks truth that is hard to hear, yet life-transforming when I receive it as a gift and not as judgment.
We were talking about a house we are currently trying to own. For those of you who know us, yes... it's been a five year process. I hate processes. It's the story of my life, so why should this one be any different. So as I was saying, we were talking about the logistics of getting THIS house. And as I was talking, my husband cuts me off with a stern voice and this "come to Jesus" look on his face. First of all, he NEVER cuts off anyone when they are speaking, much less me. I'm the rude one. And secondly, he rarely gives me a "come to Jesus" look, except for recently I have noticed.
He says "Kim, what are you doing?"
"What are you talking about?" Responding as if he is about to accuse me of shoplifting or something.
He continues, "You are talking about this house like you are trying to barter with God."
"What are you talking about?" I asked again not understanding the interrogation what-so-evA.
He softens his tone just a bit, puts his hand on my knee as if to break some hard news, and says "Kim. You just said that if God gave you this house then you would use it for bible studies, prayer meetings, or to house orphans."
"Well I would!" I proclaimed dutifully.
He continues, "What if this house deal goes through just because it's a blessing... no strings attached... no bartering with God necessary... just because it's a blessing."
I didn't know how to respond. I love home-based bible studies when it's relational, real, and providing rich discussion. I have always wanted to have a home where I can get a lot of folks together and pray... with food nearby. I have always wanted to use my home for any orphan or widow that the Lord would lead to our care. These things are genuine desires. However, something about what he was saying was stinging me, and I wasn't sure why. This penetrating feeling always comes when the Lord wants to free me of a false belief I hold about Him or His ways.
Remember, truth without love WILL ALWAYS lead to a legalistic walk with God that WILL ALWAYS prove joyless, peace-less, and hard. Resentment, anger, and a "breaking away" are inevitable with this perspective. Wanting to glorify God with all that you are and all you have is not bad. We were made to glorify Him. But when the "duty" to glorify Him is not coming out from a natural overflow of His love, things get sticky. Anything sticky struggles with freedom. Have you ever seen a bug get in honey? I don't know if that is a weird analogy to use here but I am from the south, and I have seen bugs in EVERYTHING! That bug is struggling. No matter what it does to get free, it can't. Until someone gets it out and gets ALL the honey off can it experience freedom. My husband was helping to get the honey off.
In this world you usually have to give to get in most cases. It is mostly foreign for folks just to give to others unconditionally, ESPECIALLY if they aren't deserving. Well, I can tell you that I am not a perfect person. Most undeserving actually. So why would a perfect God bless me with anything. Well, because He's perfect. Perfect in the way He loves us, and perfect in His gift giving. If we are diligent with anything, there will be a reward. At some point that diligence will pay off. That is a universal principle (found in Proverbs). But there are blessings the Lord gives that are just because He loves us. His Son's death on our behalf being one of those blessings, just because... He loves us.
Is His love for me going to be determined based on if I get this house or not. Of course not. Unfortunately, some folks think that way. No, God already gave me His best over 2000 years ago. However, the blessing in this whole scenario was that He scraped a little more honey off my dutiful wings. Freedom is a process. I hate processes. But if they lead me to a better understanding of who my DADDY is, where I am being more rooted and grounded in His love... then scrape away!
James 1:17-18
So don’t be misled, my dear brothers and sisters. Whatever is good and perfect comes down to us from God our Father, who created all the lights in the heavens. He never changes or casts a shifting shadow. He chose to give birth to us by giving us his true word. And we, out of all creation, became his prized possession.
Ephesians 3:17-21
And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that SURPASSES KNOWLEDGE- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
Kim Winston Bigler
FREEtheINSIDE
(this entry is dedicated to my girls... you know who you are.)
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Thursday, May 5, 2011
KIM GETS SICK... KIM GETS QUIET... KIM GETS IT (well, kinda).
Psalm 119:28 (New King James Version)
"My soul melts from heaviness;
Strengthen me according to Your word."
Let me make myself clear... illness, disease, sickness, and a decrease in health comes from us living in a fallen world. Sin wrecked God's perfect design for man, in health and environment. Stress due to this wreckage of mind, will, emotions, body, and environment is the number one culprit of all physical ailments and issues. There is a reason why preachers tell you to hate sin... why the Bible tells us to hate sin... why God hates sin... because, well, it hates us. Sin has destroyed everything good and perfect that the Lord created in us and for us. As much as some folks want to blame God for bad things happening to us , He has actually been the ONE fighting for all of this loss to be restored.
Take my health for instance. About 6 years ago I started to experience PROFOUND fatigue. I was in ministry, going a hundred miles per hour. I made myself available to ANYONE who needed help as much as I possibly could. Slowing down for me was like disappointing the world... in my mind of course:) Do you sense my insanity at this point? Good if you do, that means you have sense. Bad if you don't, cause that means your next.
More symptoms started to pop up. My body was trying to warn me of the self-inflicted chaos happening in it due to my "savior mentality"... aka people pleasing. That warning grew more desperate in getting my attention and even more symptoms manifested over time. I went from "I feel a little tired" to "I think I'm about to die". I was experiencing the effects of a life-sucking autoimmune disorder. Stress had finally taken it's toll on a person who hadn't learned about the power of rest, the weakness of the mind and body apart from God's grace, and the hidden wounds of the soul that motivate one to TRY and be ALL things to everyone. That lack of wisdom and healing was killing me.
In my misunderstandings about God and His ways, I thought I was being punished, or didn't have enough faith to walk in divine healing, or it was Satan trying to stop the work of God. Nutcase-like? I know. But true. I had heard way too much wacky preaching that somehow stole my good sense. But the Lord was fighting for me. The Lord was not only trying to restore my body but my mind which threw my body under the bus in the first place. I started to see TRUTH that actually helped put me on the road to recovery.
First, I had been pushing myself past the boundaries of God's grace. We do that as Americans. Success means high performance, even in ministry, and rest is for my great grandmother. That idolatrous principle is the greatest killer on this planet. God made Adam to work the land but that work was NEVER meant to master him. It was for Adam's good, because God made people to thrive in having purpose. Second, I needed the Lord to heal deeper wounds in my soul that he had been trying to address for years. The Lord didn't send the autoimmune but He didn't just take it away either. The more loving thing, for me, was to use it to stop a run away freight train headed for a cliff. If the Lord would have just healed me instantly, I wouldn't have come to the deeper truths that my soul needed to be restored... to be made whole. I had to stop and allow rest in my life, to allow people to take care of me, and to allow Jesus to be the Savior in my life. His love and grace became more real to me as I started to let go of all the over-the-top expectations I had placed on myself and those others had placed on me. I got quiet. The restlessness started to diminish and I could hear God more clearly, feel His love so much more profoundly, and then I realized... the Lord trying to save my life, not just in body but in the quality of that LIFE Jesus died to give. Learning to live in His love and grace more fully has been the biggest gift the Lord has ever bestowed on me.
I wish I could tell you I am autoimmune challenge-free. I am not. Matter of fact, I am weakened under it's hooks as I am writing. I know why. I am still learning about the balance I need to have in my life. I still struggle with ministering out of God's grace alone, resting when my body tells me, asking for help, eating the proper foods to strengthen my body, among others. But I am learning. God doesn't have me on a tight leash. I do. That's the problem. He is trying to free me from it. I am doing so much better than when this all started. Healing HAS been progressive. God's grace is strong in my life. So is His love. I know I am on the road to recovery. He is faithful. There is an "abundant life" the Bible talks about, and I am learning what that life is all about. I like it. It's real.
Proverbs 8:14 (New King James Version)
Counsel is mine, and sound wisdom;
I am understanding, I have strength.
Isaiah 40:31 (Amplified Bible)
But those who wait for the Lord [who expect, look for, and hope in Him] shall change and renew their strength and power; they shall lift their wings and mount up [close to God] as eagles [mount up to the sun]; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint or become tired.
Isaiah 41:10 (New International Version, ©2011)
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Kim Winston Bigler
FREEtheINSIDE
(this entry is dedicated to those who have walked before me and helped to show me the way... the better way... thank you Ruth!)
"My soul melts from heaviness;
Strengthen me according to Your word."
Let me make myself clear... illness, disease, sickness, and a decrease in health comes from us living in a fallen world. Sin wrecked God's perfect design for man, in health and environment. Stress due to this wreckage of mind, will, emotions, body, and environment is the number one culprit of all physical ailments and issues. There is a reason why preachers tell you to hate sin... why the Bible tells us to hate sin... why God hates sin... because, well, it hates us. Sin has destroyed everything good and perfect that the Lord created in us and for us. As much as some folks want to blame God for bad things happening to us , He has actually been the ONE fighting for all of this loss to be restored.
Take my health for instance. About 6 years ago I started to experience PROFOUND fatigue. I was in ministry, going a hundred miles per hour. I made myself available to ANYONE who needed help as much as I possibly could. Slowing down for me was like disappointing the world... in my mind of course:) Do you sense my insanity at this point? Good if you do, that means you have sense. Bad if you don't, cause that means your next.
More symptoms started to pop up. My body was trying to warn me of the self-inflicted chaos happening in it due to my "savior mentality"... aka people pleasing. That warning grew more desperate in getting my attention and even more symptoms manifested over time. I went from "I feel a little tired" to "I think I'm about to die". I was experiencing the effects of a life-sucking autoimmune disorder. Stress had finally taken it's toll on a person who hadn't learned about the power of rest, the weakness of the mind and body apart from God's grace, and the hidden wounds of the soul that motivate one to TRY and be ALL things to everyone. That lack of wisdom and healing was killing me.
In my misunderstandings about God and His ways, I thought I was being punished, or didn't have enough faith to walk in divine healing, or it was Satan trying to stop the work of God. Nutcase-like? I know. But true. I had heard way too much wacky preaching that somehow stole my good sense. But the Lord was fighting for me. The Lord was not only trying to restore my body but my mind which threw my body under the bus in the first place. I started to see TRUTH that actually helped put me on the road to recovery.
First, I had been pushing myself past the boundaries of God's grace. We do that as Americans. Success means high performance, even in ministry, and rest is for my great grandmother. That idolatrous principle is the greatest killer on this planet. God made Adam to work the land but that work was NEVER meant to master him. It was for Adam's good, because God made people to thrive in having purpose. Second, I needed the Lord to heal deeper wounds in my soul that he had been trying to address for years. The Lord didn't send the autoimmune but He didn't just take it away either. The more loving thing, for me, was to use it to stop a run away freight train headed for a cliff. If the Lord would have just healed me instantly, I wouldn't have come to the deeper truths that my soul needed to be restored... to be made whole. I had to stop and allow rest in my life, to allow people to take care of me, and to allow Jesus to be the Savior in my life. His love and grace became more real to me as I started to let go of all the over-the-top expectations I had placed on myself and those others had placed on me. I got quiet. The restlessness started to diminish and I could hear God more clearly, feel His love so much more profoundly, and then I realized... the Lord trying to save my life, not just in body but in the quality of that LIFE Jesus died to give. Learning to live in His love and grace more fully has been the biggest gift the Lord has ever bestowed on me.
I wish I could tell you I am autoimmune challenge-free. I am not. Matter of fact, I am weakened under it's hooks as I am writing. I know why. I am still learning about the balance I need to have in my life. I still struggle with ministering out of God's grace alone, resting when my body tells me, asking for help, eating the proper foods to strengthen my body, among others. But I am learning. God doesn't have me on a tight leash. I do. That's the problem. He is trying to free me from it. I am doing so much better than when this all started. Healing HAS been progressive. God's grace is strong in my life. So is His love. I know I am on the road to recovery. He is faithful. There is an "abundant life" the Bible talks about, and I am learning what that life is all about. I like it. It's real.
Proverbs 8:14 (New King James Version)
Counsel is mine, and sound wisdom;
I am understanding, I have strength.
Isaiah 40:31 (Amplified Bible)
But those who wait for the Lord [who expect, look for, and hope in Him] shall change and renew their strength and power; they shall lift their wings and mount up [close to God] as eagles [mount up to the sun]; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint or become tired.
Isaiah 41:10 (New International Version, ©2011)
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Kim Winston Bigler
FREEtheINSIDE
(this entry is dedicated to those who have walked before me and helped to show me the way... the better way... thank you Ruth!)
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