I don't know if you are like me, but I hate waiting for things to happen. I know the word "hate" is strong, but it appropriately fits my feelings about it. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe if I didn't "hate" it SO much, I wouldn't have to endure it SO much. Who knows? Whatever. All I know is that I feel like the times of "waiting" in my life have been there mostly to teach me patience, to be content in the present. There is a wonderful freedom I can sense in someone who is content in the moment, who can live each day content in whatever that day may bring. My husband is THAT person. My son is THAT person. Me?... not so much. I seem to always be looking ahead. I am a visionary. That's how the Lord made me. But in my IMPATIENCE, I have gone before Him in things more times than I can count. We all know if something is out of God's timing, it's out of His blessing, even if the vision is from Him. So "waiting" for me has been a very humiliating yet crucial thing for me to learn. Waiting and being content in the waiting have proved to be important... for my mental health, my emotional health, spiritual health, my family life, and for my relationship to myself AND God.
Waiting... ugh.
I have to say though... when I look back on my life FULL of lessons learning to wait on God, I see something freeing that has happened to me. That freedom I sense in those content in the "now", I now see is being formed in me. When impatience is FINALLY broken, then waiting becomes a wonderful grace. It frees me to enjoy my life daily and see the wonder in the day to day. I love the simple things. The temptation of having to prove that my dreams are from God by "making it happen" is broken. This is freedom. This is LIFE.
Waiting doesn't mean sitting idle looking for our vision, our dreams, to fall out of the sky. That's nuttiness. No. Waiting is active, it's actually very active. Our day to day, living in connection with the Lord and being faithful with what we are given to do TODAY will prove to set you on a course that you can look back on someday and see was tied to a bigger picture all along. Your life is a tapestry... one patch sown at a time. Some folks get impatient. Want the work done now. Want the dream now. Want the breakthrough now. NOW. NOW. NOW. But God has a bigger picture in mind than what we really can comprehend. When the time has come and the vision has finally come into the blessing of the Lord, ONLY THEN can we see what the "waiting" was all about. Wow, finally, your vision has come into His time AND His will, which means... HIS BLESSING! YES! Then and only then, can you see that the "day to day" was brilliant strokes of the Master Painter. Those tiny strokes were making the most foundational and crucial parts of the painting, of the masterpiece. Without those tiny strokes the whole painting wouldn't, COULDN'T be as the Creator intended.
Waiting... ahhhh.
Only then can we reflect on "waiting" and say... ahhhh, how great thou art.
Habakkuk 2:3
"For the vision is yet for an appointed time;
But at the end it will speak, and it will not lie.
Though it tarries, wait for it;
Because it will surely come, it will not tarry."
Kim Winston Bigler
FREEtheINSIDE Ministries
(this entry is dedicated to the precious folks at Northlake First Assembly of God)
Monday, April 25, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
PERSONAL STORY CONCLUDED!
This post is the 4th part of a personal story. Reading the other previous 3 posts may help make this story make more sense:)
Psalm 51:6 (Amplified Bible)
"Behold, You desire truth in the inner being; make me therefore to know wisdom in my inmost heart."
God desires us to know truth from the inside out. If we don't know Him and His ways, and I mean REALLY know Him, mistruths about Him and His ways will cause bondage in our lives. Mistruths about the Lord and His ways are taught or caught. Religious folks, and I mean the ones more focused on conduct than relationship, have served more as a stumbling block to others. Having a close personal walk with Christ is difficult without understanding how much we are dearly and relentlessly loved. Usually those who are hard on themselves are hard on others, and unfortunately this can come across through teachings about Jesus from the pulpit. What is the result? A misunderstanding about the heart of God that imparts more fear, resentment, and legalism than freedom. If teachings/sermons about Jesus aren't bringing you more into a knowledge of God's heart so you get rooted and grounded in the knowledge of His love, RUN... away. And if you are the one being a stumbling block to others, stop and get healing for your perfectionism. That nasty perfectionism that is self-exalting. Jesus is the ONLY perfect ONE. That's why we need grace. You can't serve God and desire to walk in His ways without truly understanding His love first.
OK... so anyway, I had caught something in ministry that was toxic to my relationship with God and others. My "people pleasing" had proved to be a horrible companion and co-laborer in ministry, in life. The Lord was about to bring me back to the truth about His heart for me and others in such a way that not only would I break free from "people-pleasing", but it would become the central message and motivation of all I would ever do or say for Him going forward.
So there I was leading the bible study for those in recovery. I started to read the Book of John in the New Testament as the directed by the Lord. I read for awhile, and as I saw that everyone was staying interested, I kept reading. This went on for a few weeks... reading... just reading.
One day I was reading how Jesus healed and delivered all these people who were desperate for His touch. He demonstrated so much of God's heart as He reached out to His disciples and to others around him. I began to feel something. My heart had grown numb for some time, but now something was getting through. The more I read, the more my heart felt a strong current go through it. It was like the current I felt when I first met the Lord. God was restoring me back to His heart... not through more work... not through more prayer... not through having more faith... not through fasting... but through His love. I had read the Book of John SO many times, but as I read to the group, it was like reading it for the first time. The truth about God's heart through the life of Jesus, GOT INTO MY INMOST PARTS... DEEP INTO MY HEART. Somehow. Without me trying or striving. As His love was hitting me, it was hitting the group. At one point as I was reading, I felt so much of God's love that I just started to weep. And I couldn't stop. It was like a fog had lifted and I could see the truth again. And so could they. I wept and wept and could care less what anyone thought. God and I were having a moment... publically. As I continued to cry and snot in my hands, a dear man who had had more trials in his life than most people, came up to me, placed his hands on my shoulder and said, "Don't worry, I have been there. Everything is going to be ok".
I have never been an addict. OK, maybe to approval. OK, definitely to approval. But I realized at that moment that we ALL have struggles and without the love of God, we are hopeless. ALL OF US! Ministers are no different. We are people. We get in trouble when we forget that. We are useless to others when we forget that. Worse, we can be harmful to people when we forget that. I was no different than this man. Both of us DESPERATELY needed a Savior... DAILY! This guy who I am suppose to be loving with Jesus's love, is Jesus's love to me. As he comforted me, the whole group of those in the recovery group came and put their arms around me. They cried with me without asking any questions... for the rest of the meeting. God's love was more tangible in that moment than any time of my life. Thank you Lord... lesson learned. I was changed, restored, reclaimed... again. So were they.
Ephesians 3:17-21 (New International Version, ©2011)
"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in LOVE, MAY HAVE POWER, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this LOVE that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."
God is love. He can't be anything but.
And LOVE NEVER FAILS!
Kim Winston Bigler
FREEtheINSIDE Ministries
(this entry is again dedicated to the folks in this recovery group. You are my heart!)
Psalm 51:6 (Amplified Bible)
"Behold, You desire truth in the inner being; make me therefore to know wisdom in my inmost heart."
God desires us to know truth from the inside out. If we don't know Him and His ways, and I mean REALLY know Him, mistruths about Him and His ways will cause bondage in our lives. Mistruths about the Lord and His ways are taught or caught. Religious folks, and I mean the ones more focused on conduct than relationship, have served more as a stumbling block to others. Having a close personal walk with Christ is difficult without understanding how much we are dearly and relentlessly loved. Usually those who are hard on themselves are hard on others, and unfortunately this can come across through teachings about Jesus from the pulpit. What is the result? A misunderstanding about the heart of God that imparts more fear, resentment, and legalism than freedom. If teachings/sermons about Jesus aren't bringing you more into a knowledge of God's heart so you get rooted and grounded in the knowledge of His love, RUN... away. And if you are the one being a stumbling block to others, stop and get healing for your perfectionism. That nasty perfectionism that is self-exalting. Jesus is the ONLY perfect ONE. That's why we need grace. You can't serve God and desire to walk in His ways without truly understanding His love first.
OK... so anyway, I had caught something in ministry that was toxic to my relationship with God and others. My "people pleasing" had proved to be a horrible companion and co-laborer in ministry, in life. The Lord was about to bring me back to the truth about His heart for me and others in such a way that not only would I break free from "people-pleasing", but it would become the central message and motivation of all I would ever do or say for Him going forward.
So there I was leading the bible study for those in recovery. I started to read the Book of John in the New Testament as the directed by the Lord. I read for awhile, and as I saw that everyone was staying interested, I kept reading. This went on for a few weeks... reading... just reading.
One day I was reading how Jesus healed and delivered all these people who were desperate for His touch. He demonstrated so much of God's heart as He reached out to His disciples and to others around him. I began to feel something. My heart had grown numb for some time, but now something was getting through. The more I read, the more my heart felt a strong current go through it. It was like the current I felt when I first met the Lord. God was restoring me back to His heart... not through more work... not through more prayer... not through having more faith... not through fasting... but through His love. I had read the Book of John SO many times, but as I read to the group, it was like reading it for the first time. The truth about God's heart through the life of Jesus, GOT INTO MY INMOST PARTS... DEEP INTO MY HEART. Somehow. Without me trying or striving. As His love was hitting me, it was hitting the group. At one point as I was reading, I felt so much of God's love that I just started to weep. And I couldn't stop. It was like a fog had lifted and I could see the truth again. And so could they. I wept and wept and could care less what anyone thought. God and I were having a moment... publically. As I continued to cry and snot in my hands, a dear man who had had more trials in his life than most people, came up to me, placed his hands on my shoulder and said, "Don't worry, I have been there. Everything is going to be ok".
I have never been an addict. OK, maybe to approval. OK, definitely to approval. But I realized at that moment that we ALL have struggles and without the love of God, we are hopeless. ALL OF US! Ministers are no different. We are people. We get in trouble when we forget that. We are useless to others when we forget that. Worse, we can be harmful to people when we forget that. I was no different than this man. Both of us DESPERATELY needed a Savior... DAILY! This guy who I am suppose to be loving with Jesus's love, is Jesus's love to me. As he comforted me, the whole group of those in the recovery group came and put their arms around me. They cried with me without asking any questions... for the rest of the meeting. God's love was more tangible in that moment than any time of my life. Thank you Lord... lesson learned. I was changed, restored, reclaimed... again. So were they.
Ephesians 3:17-21 (New International Version, ©2011)
"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in LOVE, MAY HAVE POWER, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this LOVE that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."
God is love. He can't be anything but.
And LOVE NEVER FAILS!
Kim Winston Bigler
FREEtheINSIDE Ministries
(this entry is again dedicated to the folks in this recovery group. You are my heart!)
Saturday, April 9, 2011
RECLAIMING MY IDENTITY: PERSONAL STORY CONTINUED...
God's love is relentless.
The Bible says that God IS love. Many feel that God is anything but loving because of the things they have gone through in life. They usually feel that if there were truly a loving God, they would have been spared of those offenses or trials. He would have intervened, after all He is all-powerful right? Well, yes and no. He is all-powerful indeed and since He is love, He can't be anything but that. However, God did not create our broken world. (I will get into why there seems to be a lack of intervention at a later time.)Sin of man has created this broken world. Satan tempted man to come out from God's protection and guidance where man was free, man took the bait, and this world has been in chains ever since.
However, God sent a Redeemer. Jesus. He came to die on the Cross for our sins so that these chains would be broken. He didn't come just so we could go to heaven, although that's a biggie. He came so that we would experience His redemption here on earth... in this life. When I first came to Christ, I experienced FREEDOM. After, as life continued, this freedom was challenged. For every person who lives for the Lord, who is a believer, you will have challenges despite some theologies out there. But God's love is relentless and He will complete what He started in us.
Luke 22:31-34 (New International Version, ©2011)
“Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you like wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers." But he replied, “Lord, I am ready to go with you to prison and to death." Jesus answered, “I tell you, Peter, before the rooster crows today, you will deny three times that you know me.”
I have never denied the Lord after that expereince in 2000. I have continued to love Him even in the midst of my trials. However, I had become doubtful of His ways due to my trials in ministry and in my health. I went from, "Lord, I'll go anywhere and do anything for you!" to "I'm mad at you and I'm out!". Immature... probably. Weak... definitely. But true. I, like Simon Peter, was being sifted like wheat. Yet I , like Simon Peter, was about to be restored and strengthened to go back and strengthen others...
I started serving at another church after taking some time off. The senior pastor had asked me if I would conduct a bible study for those going through recovery from addictions. I said with a bit of hesitation, yes. Going to that first meeting was nerve-racking because I hadn't ministered in awhile, my faith was going through a crisis (nobody knew that of course), and reading the bible had become a duty not a life-giving discipline to me. I had no idea what to do and just decided to roll with whatever the Lord led me to do at the moment. Thank God I still trusted He would guide me in these situations, AND thankfully He still gave me a love for the poor in spirit to respond to this opportunity! Anyway, I awkwardly walked in and saw real folks, who I could sense, needed Jesus more than breath and DESIRED TO KNOW HIM. MAN! I didn't even know if I knew Him as well as I thought, being a pastor and all, and yet I was sent! Really Lord? I thought in my head. Really? You are sending me, a confused broken preacher in the midst of trial to teach them who you are?... I need to know who you are! I heard a soft confident voice speak back to me, "Great, then you will understand them more than anyone right now." Bam. He spoke. I knew at that moment He had been in control of all of this from the beginning. He was doing something, and even though I still didn't understand, I needed to trust Him again.
Hebrews 4:14-16 (New International Version, ©2011)
Jesus the Great High Priest
Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to EMPATHIZE with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.
The Lord was not going to send someone into the lives of these folks who was just going to judge, or teach self-righteously, or preach "at". He wanted someone who could understand their desperate need for God, who has felt forsaken, who understood their rejection and need for restoration in their lives. I was the perfect candidate for this group. And Jesus was the perfect candidate for us.
The bible study started. We all made our introductions. We were all nervous and they were expectant. "What am I going to do here Lord. I don't feel like I can preach from that place of conviction as I use to, so what would you have me do right now?" I continued to have this unseen conversation with the Lord until I finally heard him say, "Read John". Then I was trying to argue with the Lord that it would be too boring if I just read to them like children at storytime. All I heard back was, "Just read". So I told them that we were going to read through the Book of John in the New Testament. Nobody knew what I was talking about, so I just started reading.
The last portion of this personal story to come...
Kim Winston Bigler
FREEtheINSIDE Ministries
(This entry is dedicated to my friends in this recovery group. You have changed me, I love you, and I will NEVER forget you.)
The Bible says that God IS love. Many feel that God is anything but loving because of the things they have gone through in life. They usually feel that if there were truly a loving God, they would have been spared of those offenses or trials. He would have intervened, after all He is all-powerful right? Well, yes and no. He is all-powerful indeed and since He is love, He can't be anything but that. However, God did not create our broken world. (I will get into why there seems to be a lack of intervention at a later time.)Sin of man has created this broken world. Satan tempted man to come out from God's protection and guidance where man was free, man took the bait, and this world has been in chains ever since.
However, God sent a Redeemer. Jesus. He came to die on the Cross for our sins so that these chains would be broken. He didn't come just so we could go to heaven, although that's a biggie. He came so that we would experience His redemption here on earth... in this life. When I first came to Christ, I experienced FREEDOM. After, as life continued, this freedom was challenged. For every person who lives for the Lord, who is a believer, you will have challenges despite some theologies out there. But God's love is relentless and He will complete what He started in us.
Luke 22:31-34 (New International Version, ©2011)
“Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you like wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers." But he replied, “Lord, I am ready to go with you to prison and to death." Jesus answered, “I tell you, Peter, before the rooster crows today, you will deny three times that you know me.”
I have never denied the Lord after that expereince in 2000. I have continued to love Him even in the midst of my trials. However, I had become doubtful of His ways due to my trials in ministry and in my health. I went from, "Lord, I'll go anywhere and do anything for you!" to "I'm mad at you and I'm out!". Immature... probably. Weak... definitely. But true. I, like Simon Peter, was being sifted like wheat. Yet I , like Simon Peter, was about to be restored and strengthened to go back and strengthen others...
I started serving at another church after taking some time off. The senior pastor had asked me if I would conduct a bible study for those going through recovery from addictions. I said with a bit of hesitation, yes. Going to that first meeting was nerve-racking because I hadn't ministered in awhile, my faith was going through a crisis (nobody knew that of course), and reading the bible had become a duty not a life-giving discipline to me. I had no idea what to do and just decided to roll with whatever the Lord led me to do at the moment. Thank God I still trusted He would guide me in these situations, AND thankfully He still gave me a love for the poor in spirit to respond to this opportunity! Anyway, I awkwardly walked in and saw real folks, who I could sense, needed Jesus more than breath and DESIRED TO KNOW HIM. MAN! I didn't even know if I knew Him as well as I thought, being a pastor and all, and yet I was sent! Really Lord? I thought in my head. Really? You are sending me, a confused broken preacher in the midst of trial to teach them who you are?... I need to know who you are! I heard a soft confident voice speak back to me, "Great, then you will understand them more than anyone right now." Bam. He spoke. I knew at that moment He had been in control of all of this from the beginning. He was doing something, and even though I still didn't understand, I needed to trust Him again.
Hebrews 4:14-16 (New International Version, ©2011)
Jesus the Great High Priest
Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to EMPATHIZE with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.
The Lord was not going to send someone into the lives of these folks who was just going to judge, or teach self-righteously, or preach "at". He wanted someone who could understand their desperate need for God, who has felt forsaken, who understood their rejection and need for restoration in their lives. I was the perfect candidate for this group. And Jesus was the perfect candidate for us.
The bible study started. We all made our introductions. We were all nervous and they were expectant. "What am I going to do here Lord. I don't feel like I can preach from that place of conviction as I use to, so what would you have me do right now?" I continued to have this unseen conversation with the Lord until I finally heard him say, "Read John". Then I was trying to argue with the Lord that it would be too boring if I just read to them like children at storytime. All I heard back was, "Just read". So I told them that we were going to read through the Book of John in the New Testament. Nobody knew what I was talking about, so I just started reading.
The last portion of this personal story to come...
Kim Winston Bigler
FREEtheINSIDE Ministries
(This entry is dedicated to my friends in this recovery group. You have changed me, I love you, and I will NEVER forget you.)
Saturday, April 2, 2011
RECLAIMING MY IDENTITY: PERSONAL STORY CONTINUED
Empathy.
We need more of it in the Body of Christ.
Empathy is the identification with and understanding of another's situation, feelings, and motives.
I mean the Church SHOULD ROCK AT EMPATHY!
When I first came to Christ around the year 2000, I was filled instantly with a love for people I had never known before. Before that time, I had always been attracted to the "underdogs" of the world but wasn't driven to actually make a difference. I was lacking something. I was lacking a love that is compelled to act. A selfless love that wanted nothing in return from others. When Jesus showed up, I was filled with this love and saw the broken in such a way that all I wanted to do was be used on some level to extend Jesus' heart to them in a real way. I empathized with their need for love, strength, and peace. I understood their brokenness and the desire to be healed and whole. I left my cush job in NYC to go after the poor in spirit, to lift them up the way Jesus did me, having complete faith that God would lead and provide along the way. All my views about what success was in this life had changed.
Did I mention Church was tricky? Unless true humility has been birthed in a church leader, that church could be in for some interesting times. An identity is learned, imparted. It's important who you follow. Some churches have a humble and loving spirit about them. All you have to do is meet the leader/s of that church and know why. Same is true for churches who have, well, a not so loving and humble spirit about them. The nature of that church leadership usually influences the flock who attend. Jesus should be our biggest influence, but sometimes this is just not the case for people who claim Him as Lord of their lives. Some may have started walking closely with Him only to find a departure somewhere along the journey.
I learned the "business" of ministry early on as a pastor. Talk about a hindrance to following Jesus. (Rabbit Trail: If you are in the "business" of ministry or go to a church where He is just a commodity, not the CEO, and people are expendable... RUN... run as fast as you can... or have a "come to Jesus" meeting with the pastors there. Seriously. For the love of humanity.) As I was saying, I GRADUALLY got my eyes off the only ONE I should be truly following always, Jesus. As pressures of the ministry became heavy and true support became non-existent, I burned out. Big time.
I remember being on my honeymoon (I married the most amazing man ever... more to come about how the Lord used him to bring me back to life). I was sitting on a beautiful beach, looking at the clouds in the sky, resting for the first time in a long time and I said to God, "I'm done. I'm not going back to ministry. I feel like a pawn, and I am not going to be one anymore. I love you but I am mad at you, and quite frankly, Your church is crazy." I didn't have anymore faith to carry anyone anymore, my body was shutting down due to exhaustion, and I was confused.
Empathy. There are times we need others to come along side of us when we are down or have lost our way. ALL OF US. People who understand what we are going through. People who can speak truth where lies have come in. I needed a "safe place", safe people. When I tried to reach out, I either got "have more faith" or "maybe you need to repent of some sin" or "just claim His promises" or in some cases... "just have a drink". Where was Jesus in all this? I wasn't finding Him anywhere... WHY? Having faith is good, repenting of sin is good, claiming His promises... good, BUT WHERE WAS THE HEART OF GOD! WHERE WAS THE DEFENDER OF THE WEAK... because the last time I checked... I WAS WEAK! WHERE WAS THE GOD WHO SENT HIS ONLY SON NOT TO CONDEMN THE WORLD BUT TO SAVE IT! WHERE WAS THAT GOD BECAUSE I NEED SAVING RIGHT NOW! Would I have to pay someone to listen to me, to provide REAL guidance for a sister right now. Really, I had to pay someone to care? This thought made matters worse. Satan filled my mind with so many doubts about God, His love for me and His plans for me. However, I was learning something crucial in this dark season. After years of trying to live up to false expectations as a leader, God had to heal something in me that had been there since childhood. He was also preparing me, His way, to be the minister He had designed for me to be. I was about to personally experience real ministry, the kind the real Jesus was in. Then once He restored me, I would turn around and strengthen my brother and sister. God was MAKING me... into a strong woman of faith... a true servant of Jesus... a defender of the weak. God was going to take me to the depths of humanity, including my own, and show me EMPATHY... His way.
Kim Winston Bigler
FREEtheINSIDE Ministries
(this entry is dedicated to the incredible people at The Center who care about burned out leaders, who love without judgment, and who humbly represent Christ when one can't seem to find Him)
We need more of it in the Body of Christ.
Empathy is the identification with and understanding of another's situation, feelings, and motives.
I mean the Church SHOULD ROCK AT EMPATHY!
When I first came to Christ around the year 2000, I was filled instantly with a love for people I had never known before. Before that time, I had always been attracted to the "underdogs" of the world but wasn't driven to actually make a difference. I was lacking something. I was lacking a love that is compelled to act. A selfless love that wanted nothing in return from others. When Jesus showed up, I was filled with this love and saw the broken in such a way that all I wanted to do was be used on some level to extend Jesus' heart to them in a real way. I empathized with their need for love, strength, and peace. I understood their brokenness and the desire to be healed and whole. I left my cush job in NYC to go after the poor in spirit, to lift them up the way Jesus did me, having complete faith that God would lead and provide along the way. All my views about what success was in this life had changed.
Did I mention Church was tricky? Unless true humility has been birthed in a church leader, that church could be in for some interesting times. An identity is learned, imparted. It's important who you follow. Some churches have a humble and loving spirit about them. All you have to do is meet the leader/s of that church and know why. Same is true for churches who have, well, a not so loving and humble spirit about them. The nature of that church leadership usually influences the flock who attend. Jesus should be our biggest influence, but sometimes this is just not the case for people who claim Him as Lord of their lives. Some may have started walking closely with Him only to find a departure somewhere along the journey.
I learned the "business" of ministry early on as a pastor. Talk about a hindrance to following Jesus. (Rabbit Trail: If you are in the "business" of ministry or go to a church where He is just a commodity, not the CEO, and people are expendable... RUN... run as fast as you can... or have a "come to Jesus" meeting with the pastors there. Seriously. For the love of humanity.) As I was saying, I GRADUALLY got my eyes off the only ONE I should be truly following always, Jesus. As pressures of the ministry became heavy and true support became non-existent, I burned out. Big time.
I remember being on my honeymoon (I married the most amazing man ever... more to come about how the Lord used him to bring me back to life). I was sitting on a beautiful beach, looking at the clouds in the sky, resting for the first time in a long time and I said to God, "I'm done. I'm not going back to ministry. I feel like a pawn, and I am not going to be one anymore. I love you but I am mad at you, and quite frankly, Your church is crazy." I didn't have anymore faith to carry anyone anymore, my body was shutting down due to exhaustion, and I was confused.
Empathy. There are times we need others to come along side of us when we are down or have lost our way. ALL OF US. People who understand what we are going through. People who can speak truth where lies have come in. I needed a "safe place", safe people. When I tried to reach out, I either got "have more faith" or "maybe you need to repent of some sin" or "just claim His promises" or in some cases... "just have a drink". Where was Jesus in all this? I wasn't finding Him anywhere... WHY? Having faith is good, repenting of sin is good, claiming His promises... good, BUT WHERE WAS THE HEART OF GOD! WHERE WAS THE DEFENDER OF THE WEAK... because the last time I checked... I WAS WEAK! WHERE WAS THE GOD WHO SENT HIS ONLY SON NOT TO CONDEMN THE WORLD BUT TO SAVE IT! WHERE WAS THAT GOD BECAUSE I NEED SAVING RIGHT NOW! Would I have to pay someone to listen to me, to provide REAL guidance for a sister right now. Really, I had to pay someone to care? This thought made matters worse. Satan filled my mind with so many doubts about God, His love for me and His plans for me. However, I was learning something crucial in this dark season. After years of trying to live up to false expectations as a leader, God had to heal something in me that had been there since childhood. He was also preparing me, His way, to be the minister He had designed for me to be. I was about to personally experience real ministry, the kind the real Jesus was in. Then once He restored me, I would turn around and strengthen my brother and sister. God was MAKING me... into a strong woman of faith... a true servant of Jesus... a defender of the weak. God was going to take me to the depths of humanity, including my own, and show me EMPATHY... His way.
Kim Winston Bigler
FREEtheINSIDE Ministries
(this entry is dedicated to the incredible people at The Center who care about burned out leaders, who love without judgment, and who humbly represent Christ when one can't seem to find Him)
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