PERSONAL STORY CONCLUDED!

This post is the 4th part of a personal story. Reading the other previous 3 posts may help make this story make more sense:)

Psalm 51:6 (Amplified Bible)

"Behold, You desire truth in the inner being; make me therefore to know wisdom in my inmost heart."

God desires us to know truth from the inside out. If we don't know Him and His ways, and I mean REALLY know Him, mistruths about Him and His ways will cause bondage in our lives. Mistruths about the Lord and His ways are taught or caught. Religious folks, and I mean the ones more focused on conduct than relationship, have served more as a stumbling block to others. Having a close personal walk with Christ is difficult without understanding how much we are dearly and relentlessly loved. Usually those who are hard on themselves are hard on others, and unfortunately this can come across through teachings about Jesus from the pulpit. What is the result? A misunderstanding about the heart of God that imparts more fear, resentment, and legalism than freedom. If teachings/sermons about Jesus aren't bringing you more into a knowledge of God's heart so you get rooted and grounded in the knowledge of His love, RUN... away. And if you are the one being a stumbling block to others, stop and get healing for your perfectionism. That nasty perfectionism that is self-exalting. Jesus is the ONLY perfect ONE. That's why we need grace. You can't serve God and desire to walk in His ways without truly understanding His love first.

OK... so anyway, I had caught something in ministry that was toxic to my relationship with God and others. My "people pleasing" had proved to be a horrible companion and co-laborer in ministry, in life. The Lord was about to bring me back to the truth about His heart for me and others in such a way that not only would I break free from "people-pleasing", but it would become the central message and motivation of all I would ever do or say for Him going forward.

So there I was leading the bible study for those in recovery. I started to read the Book of John in the New Testament as the directed by the Lord. I read for awhile, and as I saw that everyone was staying interested, I kept reading. This went on for a few weeks... reading... just reading.

One day I was reading how Jesus healed and delivered all these people who were desperate for His touch. He demonstrated so much of God's heart as He reached out to His disciples and to others around him. I began to feel something. My heart had grown numb for some time, but now something was getting through. The more I read, the more my heart felt a strong current go through it. It was like the current I felt when I first met the Lord. God was restoring me back to His heart... not through more work... not through more prayer... not through having more faith... not through fasting... but through His love. I had read the Book of John SO many times, but as I read to the group, it was like reading it for the first time. The truth about God's heart through the life of Jesus, GOT INTO MY INMOST PARTS... DEEP INTO MY HEART. Somehow. Without me trying or striving. As His love was hitting me, it was hitting the group. At one point as I was reading, I felt so much of God's love that I just started to weep. And I couldn't stop. It was like a fog had lifted and I could see the truth again. And so could they. I wept and wept and could care less what anyone thought. God and I were having a moment... publically. As I continued to cry and snot in my hands, a dear man who had had more trials in his life than most people, came up to me, placed his hands on my shoulder and said, "Don't worry, I have been there. Everything is going to be ok".

I have never been an addict. OK, maybe to approval. OK, definitely to approval. But I realized at that moment that we ALL have struggles and without the love of God, we are hopeless. ALL OF US! Ministers are no different. We are people. We get in trouble when we forget that. We are useless to others when we forget that. Worse, we can be harmful to people when we forget that. I was no different than this man. Both of us DESPERATELY needed a Savior... DAILY! This guy who I am suppose to be loving with Jesus's love, is Jesus's love to me. As he comforted me, the whole group of those in the recovery group came and put their arms around me. They cried with me without asking any questions... for the rest of the meeting. God's love was more tangible in that moment than any time of my life. Thank you Lord... lesson learned. I was changed, restored, reclaimed... again. So were they.

Ephesians 3:17-21 (New International Version, ©2011)

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in LOVE, MAY HAVE POWER, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this LOVE that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

God is love. He can't be anything but.

And LOVE NEVER FAILS!


Kim Winston Bigler
FREEtheINSIDE Ministries

(this entry is again dedicated to the folks in this recovery group. You are my heart!)