RECLAIMING MY IDENTITY: PERSONAL STORY

"What is always at the heart of delusion or false religion is the promise that you don't really have to learn to trust the Lord; our faith doesn't have to grow over time. You don't have to learn to deal with the flesh with all it's memories and deceptions. You can leap from childhood to maturity over night. You can instantly become everything you want to be."
-Zeisler

Jesus did not promise a trial-less life. He promised a redeemed one.

Redeem:

1. to recover ownership of by paying a specified sum

2. To turn in and receive something in exchange

3. To set free; rescue

4. To restore the honor, worth, or reputation of

I became a minister shortly after giving my life to Christ. I loved serving people in a way that brought them closer to the Lord... to their Savior. God proved to be an active God. I saw Him do miraculous things. He was not a God off in the heavenlies sitting on a cushy couch eating bon bons. He was not a God looking down on us little humans zapping "bad" people and blessing "good" people at a wave of a wand. No. I saw Him break through the lives of those most wouldn't associate with, have time for, or look at twice. He loves to notice the unnoticed. He proved to be a God who desires to restore broken humanity from the weights of life we were never created to bear. Life was good.

Church. Church is tricky because people are well... people. I will never understand why the Lord chose us humans to be His hands, heart, and voice to others. No wonder He has a bad reputation in the minds of many. He is probably the most misrepresented and misunderstood Being in the universe. The Church has had a struggle with balance. Some churches impart more judgement than love, while others impart more love than truth. You can't have truth without love, and you can't have love without truth if you want to know the REAL Jesus. I have seen many people's faith shipwrecked over the imbalance. It grieves me. I can personally understand how we can lose our focus on who Jesus really is...

I had been a pastor/leader for a few years now and at first it was great. But then there was a weariness in my soul that was creeping in on me. I would push it away thinking I just needed a day of rest, but it proved relentless. I grew more fatigued as time passed. I noticed I was getting nervous a lot, fearful at times, and angry. I would try and read the Bible or worship, but I just couldn't. My love for people grew cold and I seemed to "numb". I started to isolate. Sounds like depression? Well it was.

The church where I was serving at the time was WAY out of balance. (Rabbit trail: Passion and pride are lethal in the Body of Christ. If you exhibit a spiritual elitism... stop it. Stop it right now and sit at the Cross. Seriously. For the sake of humanity.) I also was trying to be everyone's savior. Yep, I had caught "the martyr mentality" like the flu. I didn't want it. But I got it. On top of all this, I had major cracks in my soul the Lord still desired to heal. I was too busy "serving" at this point to give Him the time. The enemy of my soul took advantage of this time of vulnerability and came in like a flood with lies and magnified every inadequacy and weakness of mine. God wasn't good anymore. He was a taskmaster putting demands on me I wasn't able to accomplish. I must have failed along the way to feel this lack of grace and blessing in the work He called me to. Everything about the Lord and who I was as His child was challenged.

I would like to say this only lasted a short time, but it lasted a few years. Although this time was painful, the Lord used it to strengthen His message of redemption in my own life. I would later realize the Lord wanted me to know Him as Healer as well as Savior on a personal level. I would also learn to trust Him in a deeper way. I would go through the fire but the love of God would prove stronger than Satan's lies and my personal weaknesses.

More to come about the revelation that changed my life... again.

Kim Winston Bigler
FREEtheINSIDE Ministries

(this entry dedicated to all the Christian servants who lay down their lives for another)